


This is my Kingdom Come

by youstupidplonk



Category: Ashes to Ashes (UK TV), Life on Mars & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism, Angst, Anxiety, Breakups, Canon Divergence - Co-Existence, Doomed Relationship, Everybody Hurts, F/M, Gene Hunt - Freeform, Gene hunt / Alex Drake, Grief, Guilt, Heartbreak, Hurt, Pain, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, Viv James - Freeform, alex drake - Freeform, breakdown - Freeform, chris skelton - Freeform, galex, ray carling - Freeform, shaz granger - Freeform, shaz granger/ chris skelton, things really do fall apart between s2 and 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:02:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26863342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youstupidplonk/pseuds/youstupidplonk
Summary: One moment things can fall into place. The next they can fall apart.Set in the immediate aftermath of series 2 of A2A. Spoilers for series 2 and series 3.Title from Demons by Imagine Dragons
Relationships: Alex Drake/Gene Hunt, Shaz Granger/Chris Skelton
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18





	1. Nothing Feels like Home

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> This fic is basically what happens in the three months between series two and series three. Rated mature because I'm anticipating it might get quite dark. 
> 
> The first chapter is the same day as the King Douglas job. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy :)
> 
> Title Chapter from Skylines and Turnstiles by My Chemical Romance.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is reunited with her daughter. At least she thinks she is
> 
> Title from Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry for the delay in updating but unlike my other WIP which I have finished I'm publishing this as I write it, so updates may be irregular but they will happen I promise. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Alex gradually became aware of her alarm beeping at the side of her bed. As she tried to raise her hand to shut it off she was caught off guard by a rail at the side of the bed. Opening her eyes, she realised she was in a hospital bed and the beeping wasn’t her alarm, but the machine monitoring her heart rate. As she took in her surroundings, a small television caught her attention. She felt her heart stop for a moment. 

The television was showing dressage, but that wasn’t what caught her attention. Behind the banner she could see a familiar logo and a date. 

_Beijing 2008_

She’d done it, she’d come back to 2008, back to Molly. She could have cried, but before she could her door opened to reveal a smiling nurse. Her smile grew when she realised Alex was awake. 

“Good to have you back with us Alex” she walked into the room and gently put her hand on Alex’s arm. 

Alex struggled to find her voice “how- l-long was” her voice was thin and she couldn’t control it. The nurse didn’t seem surprised. Turning slightly she picked up a jug of water on the bedside table and poured a glass. Gently she helped Alex into a sitting position before handing the water to her. 

“Drink this” she smiled “you’ll feel better for it” She paused before speaking softly “Three weeks”. At Alex’s frown she quickly continued “It’s the first thing any coma patient wants to know, “how long have I been unconscious for?” my answer to you is three weeks.” She gestured to the television “You missed the opening ceremony. It was really quite spectacular.” Noticing that Alex had emptied the glass she leaned over and took it off her. Sitting back down she lifted a clipboard off the bedside table and sighed. “I’m sorry to do this now Alex but I have to ask you some questions, so we know what we need to do to help you going forward. Is that ok?”

Alex nodded, not sure of what else she could do. She wanted to ask about Molly but couldn't bring herself to. 

The nurse flashed her another brilliant smile before looking back to the clipboard. “Ok” she started “I’m guessing you know what year it is?” she nodded her head towards the television with a soft laugh. Alex nodded and the nurse continued “Do you know who the prime minister is?”

Alex nodded and tried to speak, her voice was still thin but she managed to force out the name “Marge-” she caught herself. This wasn’t 1982 this was 2008. Margaret Thatcher hadn’t been prime minister for nearly twenty years. Luckily the nurse didn’t write anything down but smiled encouragingly. Alex cleared her throat and answered “Gordon Brown”. 

The nurse smiled “correct”, she looked down at the clipboard then back at Alex. “Ok, do you remember what happened to you Alex? Do you know why you’re here”. Her tone had suddenly become a lot more gentle and as she spoke she put her hand on Alex’s arm. Alex realised that she probably wasn’t expected to remember anything about what had happened to her. Then again Alex Drake had always been an overachiever. 

Nodding her head she sat up a little bit straighter. “I was shot. Below the deck of a derelict ship. By Arthur Layton.” Her voice slowly gained strength as she slowly pieced together what had happened. “It was my daughter’s birthday. He’d taken a hostage outside the Tate Modern. I’d tried to diffuse the situation but he got away. He then hijacked my car and took me to that ship and shot me in the head.” Alex paused to draw breath and saw the nurse scribbling furiously on her clipboard. She still felt confused and suddenly found herself explaining everything that had happened to her, even though she knew how it would sound. “I woke up on that ship in 1981. I spent a year and a half working as a DI in Fenchurch. They-we caught those responsible for the King Douglas job in November ‘82. I saw my parents get killed again I-” Alex broke, momentarily distracted by the memory of that day in October of ‘81. She shook herself. “I was in 1982 until I woke up. I got shot again, in the stomach and I lost consciousness and woke up here. I don’t know-”

The nurse patted her arm again, causing Alex to pause. “It’s understandable, being confused.” The nurse smiled sympathetically “As for being in the 1980s. It’s a common misconception about being in a coma. Lots of people think nothing happens for you but it does. Especially if you have a particularly active mind.” Her smile briefly flicked from sympathetic to knowing, but only for a moment.“It’s something we can help you with. If you feel like you need it.” Alex nodded, _I bloody do._ She thought _I can understand why Sam did as well_

“Alex” the nurse’s voice interrupted her train of thought and Alex looked at her. The nurse nodded towards the door and smiled again “I have one last question for you, ok?” 

Alex nodded “ok”

The nurse went to the door and leaned out, beckoning to someone outside. Then she stepped back into the room, closely followed by a small preteen with blonde hair. 

“Do you recognise who this is?” The nurse's voice barely registered as Alex felt her voice catch in her throat as she saw her daughter, properly, for the first time in what felt like eighteen months.

Forcing through the lump in her throat Alex found herself whispering “Molls...”

Molly looked up at her mother’s voice and gave a little shriek of joy. Running to the side of the bed Molly threw her arms around Alex in the tightest hug Alex believed she had ever had. Lifting her own arms up she hugged Molly back, blinking back the tears that were forming in her eyes. It was ok, she’d done it, she’d come home. Back to where she was needed. She was vaguely aware of the nurse leaving but didn’t let go of her daughter until she felt Molly pulling back slightly. 

Taking her hand Molly sat down at the side of the bed. She dropped her eyes and Alex realised she was upset. 

“Molly?” She whispered, almost like she was afraid that if she spoke too loudly she’d break the spell of having her daughter back with her. “What’s wrong sweetheart?”

Molly sniffed and furiously wiped a hand across her face. When she spoke her voice wavered like she was trying to fight back tears. “I thought you were gone.” She cried, the barrier she’d put up suddenly breaking “First when Evan got the call from Layton, then when you had the operation you caught the infection and-” Molly broke off and started sobbing quietly. 

Alex didn’t speak, instead, she gently pulled Molly back towards her and hugged her tightly. “I know darling.” She whispered, pausing to kiss the top of Molly’s head “but I’m back now and I’m not going anywhere. I promise” 

Molly still didn’t speak but tightened her grip around Alex’s neck. For a few minutes they didn’t move, but gradually Molly’s breathing steadied and her grip on Alex loosened. As she pulled back Alex smiled “Besides, after all my complaining about how selfish it was of Grandma Price to die when I was still a child, it would be a bit hypocritical of me to do the same to you”

Molly pulled back properly and glared at her mother “That’s not funny” she muttered, ducking her head, but that didn’t conceal the smile growing on her face. She looked up and caught Alex’s eye. After sharing a brief look they both began laughing helplessly, only stopping when a knock at the door caught their attention. 

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” the nurse began, the same nurse as before, Alex noted “but your mum should rest Molly. You can see her again tomorrow” 

Molly sighed and stood up, before bending down to pull something out of her school bag. Turning back to Alex she handed her a card. Alex smiled and put the card up on her bedside table before pulling Molly into one last hug. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow sweetheart” she whispered as she gently released her. 

Molly grinned, but there was something about her grin that made Alex’s stomach drop. “See you tomorrow mum” with a wave she walked towards the door before stopping. “Evan’ll come with me tomorrow” she called before dashing out of the room. 

The nurse nodded to Alex, who nodded back before shifting to lie back down. This didn’t make sense, she’d come home or so she thought, but whoever that girl was it couldn’t have been her daughter. If Alex could remember one thing about her daughter it was her eyes. The same eyes she’d had since she was born. When Molly was a baby she’d lost count of the number of people who had told her that her eyes would change colour, that baby’s eyes always did. Particularly when neither parent had blue eyes, but Molly’s eyes had never changed. The girl who had come into her hospital room couldn’t have been her daughter, her daughter didn’t have green eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, cliffhanger...
> 
> This is kind of my personal interpretation of what happens to Alex when she goes back. I only realised upon rewatching that she never actually goes back to 2008 (at least I don't think she does) and I think there would have been hints that she picked up on that showed her something wasn't right. Which I will explore in the later Alex chapters 
> 
> As always, please leave any thoughts in the comments :)


	2. Tell me where we go from here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One second, things fall into place. 
> 
> One second, things fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> This fic is going to explore what happens in the three months between series two and three, starting immediately where series two finishes. 
> 
> Rated Mature because it's going to get quite dark in places. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

The moment Gene fired his gun, time seemed to slow. Jenette stepped backwards pulling Alex with her before letting her go. Alex felt a sharp pain at the bottom of her ribcage, it lasted for a moment before a warmth took over. She felt dizzy, like she might faint.

“Bolly” Gene’s voice barely registered as she fought to stay upright. It was no use, she could feel the energy she had left leaving her rapidly. She collapsed, only vaguely aware of Ray, Chris and Shaz arriving. Someone was shouting but it was ok. She was going back to Molly. It was a shame she wouldn’t get to say goodbye but at least they had her letters. That was what mattered. As everything faded around her she felt a wave of calm wash over her. _everything is going to be ok ___

__Gene felt paralysed, watching her fall. Her name died on his lips as she collapsed. He stood, unable to move, even when the rest of his team arrived. _This wasn’t what was meant to happen Bols_ he thought to himself. _I would never have hurt you deliberately_. He suddenly became aware of a hand pulling on his arm.__

______“Guv” Ray was panicking, something Gene had never seen before. “Guv you need to get out of here before any other coppers show up. I don’t know if this was intentional but you need to go. Twenty officers heard you threaten her and all the evidence here shows that you carried out that threat”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chris, on his hunt for an ambulance, caught up with them. “Guv” he tried to catch his breath as he pressed a set of car keys into Gene’s hand “Give us the keys to the Quattro. There’s a brown princess parked round the corner. Take that and get out of here.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Gene stopped short ready to argue but before he could Ray cut in again “You can’t keep the Quattro at the minute Guv, it’s too distinctive. Chris is right. Take the princess and get out of here. We’ll think of something” Ray pushed Gene towards the car, before following Chris towards the ambulance that had just arrived._ _ _ _ _ _

______Taking a moment to get used to the unfamiliar interior of the car, Gene threw his gun over his shoulder. He didn’t want it anywhere near him. Not now. His mind started to replay the events of the afternoon once more. The moment he realized Alex had been right about the blag. Thinking _She’s never going to let me hear the end of this _. Walking through the gardens looking for her. The feeling of terror when he realised she was being held at gunpoint. As he walked towards the fallen copper, the brief look they’d shared confirming that they were both ok, both still alive, both forgiven for the previous day. It felt like he’d only turned his attention to Summers for a moment, but it was long enough for Drake to walk far enough away that she could be held at gunpoint again.___ _ _ _ _ _

________Gene reached into his pocket for his hip flask, taking long sips as he tried to fight the ice forming around his heart as he thought about Jenette holding Alex at gunpoint. He knew the only thing he could do was shoot. If he moved in any other way Jenette would have killed Alex, she couldn’t have survived a shot to the head from that range. It wouldn't have happened. He might have been able to hit Jenette, but he hadn’t banked on Alex moving. The shock on her face…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________No. _He thought. He wasn’t going to let himself get distracted. Not now when he had to get out of London. He wrenched the car into gear and shot off down the road.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Shaz folded her hands over themselves in her lap and tried to stop her leg bouncing. It felt wrong, sitting in a hospital waiting room in a wedding dress, particularly now, but it would have felt worse to leave the others to go home and change or ask them to wait for her. She tried not to look at the marks across the bottom of the skirt, but at the same time she couldn’t help herself. Unwillingly she found herself thrown back in time, back to that afternoon._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She’d saved Chris and although she’d had a brief moment of relief, her stomach twisted when she realised what would have happened if she hadn’t taken a radio with her, or even worse if she’d got to King Douglas Lane ten seconds later. The others had all been preoccupied and Chris was unarmed. She shook herself briefly, knowing there was no point going over the what-ifs. She walked down the remaining stairs and pulled Chris to his feet. Before he could pull her into his arms properly a scream caused them both to stop. A scream that unmistakably belonged to their DI._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Shit” Chris spoke before she could “That sounded like DI Drake”. Shaz nodded and they started running in the direction the scream had come from. As they approached the green they heard a shot. Increasing their pace, nothing prepared them for the scene they were faced with._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________DI Alex Drake was lying on the paving slabs, one arm awkwardly out at her side, the other failing to cover an ever-growing red patch on the front of her blouse. Stood over her, with his gun still smoking was DCI Hunt. The Guv. Shaz’s stomach dropped through the ground as she remembered the fight in CID less than twenty-four hours ago._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“....Dare to get in my way and I swear to God I will kill you!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________None of them had known whether to believe he was serious. Sneaking a glance at his face, Shaz still wasn’t sure. His face was completely blank, like a mask. Everything stopped for a second, before she felt Chris pull away from her, the movement bringing her back to the present. She could hear Chris shouting for an ambulance and Ray leading Guv away from the scene. Instinctively she moved towards Alex, who’s condition was clearly deteriorating very quickly. As Shaz got closer she could hear how much her DI was struggling to breathe. Taking the veil off her head and detaching it from the hat she scrunched it into a ball and held it against the wound in Alex’s abdomen. It wasn’t the best material but it would have to do. Gently she lifted Alex’s head off the slabs so it was resting in her lap. Keeping the veil in place with one hand, she absentmindedly began to brush Alex’s hair back from her face with the other._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Stay with me ma’am, please. We need you” Shaz whispered, blinking back the tears that had begun to form in her eyes. “We foiled the blag ma’am, we wouldn’t have done it without you. You can’t leave now. Not until we’ve been to Luigi’s to celebrate.” She knew it was useless talking, Alex had long since lost consciousness, but that didn’t stop her. “You make us better Ma’am, all of us. If you hadn’t arrived I’d still be the CID tea slave. I’d-” Shaz stopped short, a grim realisation setting in as she remembered a scenario all too similar to this one, albeit with the roles reversed. “I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn't for you ma’am. You saved my life, I never returned the favour-” Shaz broke off, realising Alex’s laboured breathing had grown quiet. The basic first aid training she had told her that this wasn’t good. Her hand moved from Alex’s head to her wrist, desperately seeking a pulse. Gently she felt Alex’s wrist, her despair growing with every passing second until finally she felt something. It was weak and slow, but still there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Shazzer!” Chris’s voice came from behind her and startled her. She turned her head and was relieved to see he had several paramedics in tow along with Ray. The paramedics moved forward and Shaz knew she had to step back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s ok ma’am” she whispered. “The paramedics are here. They’re going to take you to the hospital. We’ll meet you there, I promise we won’t leave you.” Before she could overthink it Shaz kissed the palm of her hand and pushed Alex’s hair off her face one last time with the same hand. She stood up and turned to the paramedics, who started moving forward as soon as she stepped back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Pulse?” One of them asked, turning to address Shaz, who nodded._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It was very slow and weak but it was there. It’s her breathing that’s worrying, it was so loud and then it wasn’t. I tried to stem the blood but-” Shaz struggled to fight the emotion rising through her chest. The paramedic nodded though and turned back towards Alex._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Chris held out his arms and Shaz stumbled into them. She was aware that Ray was with them and half wanted him to make some kind of sleazy comment, it would make things seem kind of ok. What he did was much worse._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Gently Ray put his hand on Shaz’s shoulder “Come on you two”, although Shaz couldn't see his face, she could tell he was fighting something himself. He paused for a few moments and when he spoke again, he sounded like he was trying to be confident, give them some leadership even though he knew that their two best leaders were gone. “We’ll follow Drake in the Quattro, meet her at the hospital. Just like you promised her Shaz.” His hand left Shaz’s shoulder and she felt it bump Chris’s shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Although Chris seemed reluctant to let her go he did with a quiet “Come on Shazzer, we can’t do anything here now.” She nodded and followed them to the Quattro._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hey. Plonk” Ray’s voice in front of her brought her back to the present. He held out a polystyrene cup, which she took with shaking hands. Almost as soon as she had taken it, Ray took it off her again and put it on the table between their two seats before sitting down himself. “I don’t need you getting third-degree burns. You’re smart for a plonk and I’ll need all the brains I can get. Besides” he took a moment to take in what she was wearing. “You wouldn’t want to ruin your wedding dress. I would’ve told you it looked nice but it didn’t seem like there was an appropriate time”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Shaz chuckled, although her eyes filled with tears “To be honest. I don’t think I ever want to wear it again after today.” She sighed, moving slightly to show Ray the traces of blood across the bottom of the skirt. “I’d rather get married in one of the uniforms from lost and found than this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ray nodded, unsure of what to say next. He looked around the waiting room and felt a heaviness settle on his heart. For all he complained about Drake, he would have given anything to have her sat in this waiting room with him. She would have known exactly the right thing to say to Shaz, how to get Chris to stop pacing like his life depended on it. Guv as well. Admittedly he probably wouldn’t have known what to say to Shaz, but Ray could tell that his presence would have made them all feel more settled. He was the Manc Lion and any member of his pack knew that they were safe and had someone looking out for them. Or they did._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He couldn’t do it, this leadership lark. For all his complaining about having a female superior, he had come to realise how suited to the job she was. She was a natural leader, so was Guv. Ray knew he wasn’t. He’d nearly bottled it once already this evening. When the three of them had arrived at the hospital they’d been told by the receptionist they could only give information to next of kin. They tried to argue that Alex didn’t have any next of kin, that they were the closest thing she had to a family but the receptionist wouldn’t budge. It was only after about five minutes Ray remembered his warrant card in his back pocket. When he showed that there was no problem. If he was a better leader, surely he’d have thought of that first. Slowly he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. Instead of smoking it, he watched it burn slowly in his hands. Watching the cigarette burn, he tried to steady his breathing, even though it felt like he was watching his career burn. Not that he’d ever admit it but he knew that he never wanted to be a DCI, even if the Guv ever retired. Being a DI might’ve been nice one day, but if he had wanted to become a DI, he would never have chosen to become one like this, made an acting DI because Drake was in hospital fighting for her life because she’d been shot by her DCI. He wasn’t ready, but he knew everyone was expecting him to be. Feeling a wave of emotion rise up in his chest, he stood up and marched to the gent's room and the end of the waiting room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________~~~~~  
Gene brought the princess to a stop right on the doorstep on Fenchurch East Police Station. Looking round, it seemed deserted but even so he knew he had to be quick. He threw open the door, counting his blessings that Viv wasn’t behind the desk when he walked through reception and again when he saw CID deserted. Quickly he opened the top drawer of Alex’s desk and pulled out four envelopes, each with a different name on it. Dropping all but the one that bore his own name on her desk, he shoved the letter into his coat pocket and marched out of CID back into the cold November dusk. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________~~~~~  
Chris paced up and down. Unable to get his thoughts to stop racing. He looked over at Shaz, who looked like she was trying to make herself disappear. _Maybe the old saying is right _he thought. _Maybe it is bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the big day. When she’d arrived everything had fallen into place for a second, but only for a second, then everything fell apart. He could tell Shaz felt uncomfortable in what she was weaning even though the waiting room was empty. Changing the course of his pacing he walked over to where Shaz was sitting. He shrugged off his jacket and gently put it round Shaz’s shoulders.____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Put it on Shazzer, if you don’t want to look at the dress”. He spoke around the lump that was forming in his throat. It wasn’t like Shaz to be so quiet, nor was it like Ray to light a cigarette without smoking it. He barely registered Shaz pulling the jacket closer round her until he felt her hand find his._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Thank you” she whispered, almost shrinking down inside the jacket like she wanted to disappear. “Sorry about ruining the dress Chris.” She looked down, desperately trying to hide the tears forming in her eyes.“I wanted it to be perfect for the wedding I didn’t mean to-” She stopped, her voice catching in her throat, but she didn’t say anymore. She didn’t need to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________As well as he could around the armrest between them Chris gently pulled her into his arms. “It’s ok Shazzer” he whispered softly, pulling back to catch the tears that were starting to fall onto her cheeks. “You ruined it saving people, that’s not something you need to apologise for.” Seeing the confusion on her face Chris quickly added “I would have been a goner without you, it’s the second time you’ve saved my life in the last few weeks”. He chuckled softly, hoping Shaz knew what he meant. From her soft gasp, she did. She looked down again and Chris squeezed her hand “The paramedics say the veil was a work of genius” Shaz didn’t respond but squeezed his hand to show she was listening. “She would’ve bled out without you love, you’re a hero ok?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Shaz looked up for the first time. Her eyes shimmering with unshed tears “I don’t feel like it Chris.” She furiously dragged the sleeve of the jacket across her face. “I just feel so useless now” Her voice was thick and Chris felt the same pain take hold across his chest. Unable to do anything else he pulled her into his arms and let her cry._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________After a few minutes, her breathing steadied. Chris gently let go of her and picked up the lukewarm tea next to her. Pressing it into her hands he looked around and noticed Ray was missing. He turned back to Shaz “I might go and see if I can find Ray, will you be alright?” She did seem to be doing a bit better. The tea had brought a little bit of colour back to her face and her hands weren’t shaking so much but he didn’t want to leave her alone if she wasn’t ok._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Shaz sighed and took a mouthful of tea “I’m ok babes, I’m sorry you had to see that” she gestured to the remnants of mascara that hand run under her eyes, even though it wasn’t the first time Chris had seen her cry, he knew she hated crying in front of people, before he could reassure her that it was alright she spoke again. “Go and find Ray, he probably needs his best friend now” She nodded towards the loo as she spoke, indicating that’s where he had gone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Chris nodded “I won’t be long” he promised, bending slightly to kiss Shaz on the forehead before turning to walk into the Gents._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Gene sighed, pulling his hip flask out of his pocket. He had moved the princess into a deserted backstreet so he could read the letter. If he was going to leave London for good, he couldn’t do it without reading what Alex had written. Taking a long swig of whiskey he tore open the envelope and unfolded the letter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Guv,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________I know we don’t always see eye to eye._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Gene rolled his eyes “Understatement of the century Bolls” he muttered to himself before carrying on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________But I hope you know I have a lot of respect for you. The way you look out for the City you work in, even if you think it’s nothing more than a bunch of soppy wimps and posh tarts. You don’t owe this city anything and yet you still protect it day in, day out. I’m not saying I agree with your methods either. Contrary to popular belief I don’t think violence is ever the answer and speed limits are not a suggestion, they’re the law but you do things the way you do because that’s the way you’ve always worked and if I’ve learned anything in the last few months it’s that change isn’t easy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________I know if I ever said this to your face you’d scoff and start talking about ‘psychobabble’ but as this is written down you can’t argue with me. I know how protective you are of your team. I don’t think there’s any doubt from anyone that you wouldn’t put your life on the line if it meant protecting one of your men from harm, but at the same time you are so reserved with everyone. You never talk about what’s actually going on in your life and as a psychologist I’m going to tell you that’s not healthy. You have an entire team of people behind you, who think the world of you. Trust them Guv, you can’t cut yourself off from the people who care about you. Myself included. I know you think of me as a “posh mouthy tart, with a head full of brains and the common sense of a grain weevil” as you so eloquently put in Edgehampton, who never shuts up about bloody psychiatry, but this posh mouthy tart has your back Gene. Through good and bad. The same way you’ve always had mine. I know that no matter what happens I have you behind me and I hope you know I’ll always be here to fight your corner._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Unbreakable to the end,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Alex._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Gene stared at the letter, feeling his throat tighten as he read the last few words. He felt the guilt twist round his heart and stomach as he remembered arguing with Alex the day before. She would never have sabotaged CID and deep down he knew that. He’d just felt so angry with the force. His mentor, as bent as they came, one of his deputies passing on vital information, coming under scrutiny himself. It had all boiled up inside him and the anonymous tape belonging to Alex had been the final straw. The emotion had come out and she’d been in the line of fire, literally. He knew deep down he should have given her a chance to explain herself, but he felt wounded and he’d been betrayed by the people he’d trusted most, it wasn’t his fault._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________That didn’t mean it was her fault _the voice in his head whispered. Furiously swallowing down the lump in his throat, Gene threw open the door of the princess and marched into the off-license opposite, emerging a few minutes later armed with several bottles of scotch. Unscrewing one of them, he threw back a large portion of the bottle before slamming the car door shut and screeching off down the road.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________The waiting room had been empty apart from the three of them and only one of the cubicles in the gents was occupied. As Chris approached he heard a noise coming from the other side of the door. It sounded like a suppressed sob. Cautiously Chris approached the door and knocked. “Ray mate, it’s me are you in there?” He paused, not sure whether to expect a response or not. He was about to knock again when he heard another noise from inside the cubicle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“I can’t, I can’t, I’m not ready” Ray’s voice sounded less like he was sobbing and more like he was hyperventilating. It seemed like he hadn’t even heard Chris._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Chris rapped on the door again “Mate, what’s going on? Are you alright?”. He sighed, knowing that Ray clearly wasn’t alright but probably wasn’t about to talk to him about it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“Get lost Chris” Ray still sounded like he didn’t have control of his breathing, but still found the energy to express irritation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Chris swallowed, he knew that he couldn’t leave Ray like this. This was his best mate, they weren’t in CID now, so Ray was no longer his superior officer. “I’m not going Ray. We’ve already lost the Guv and ma’am is out of action. We can’t fight amongst ourselves. Shaz needs a superior telling her it’s alright. Who is going to keep the lads inline if it isn’t you?” Chris paused to draw breath, but before he could speak Ray threw the door open._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“I don’t bloody know who’s going to keep the lads in order because I sure as hell can’t” His words were rushed and almost overlapping “I’m not good enough to act as DI, especially not after Drake. I’ll admit it she was bloody fantastic” Chris noticed Ray’s eyes were red and glassy but couldn’t comment before Ray carried on “I know that I’m not ready for this job and everyone in CID knows. I’ve got no brains, I’m just the stupid sexist DS who never does anything right!” Finally, Ray stopped for a moment and collapsed onto the floor, trying to regulate his breathing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“Nobody thinks of you like that mate I promise” Chris gently crouched next to Ray and put a hand on his shoulder, which for once Ray didn’t shake off. “I know you’re scared. I’m scared and I know Shaz is too.” He paused, thinking through what he was going to say next “CID needs you, you’re a great detective and we can figure this out. Why don’t we start with not passing out” He shifted so he was sat on the floor next to Ray. “Just follow my lead. Breath in for four, hold your breath for four, breathe out for four.” He said a silent thanks to whichever God was listening when Ray stopped hyperventilating and followed his lead. They sat still for a few minutes until Ray’s breathing had evened out and he stood up. He looked down at Chris._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“Tell anyone about this” he started before Chris pulled himself up off the floor and patted his shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“I know, you’ll make me wish I were never born” He hesitated for a moment before pulling Ray into a brief hug, which surprisingly he returned before good-naturedly shoving him away. They walked out of the gents to be met with an unfamiliar voice belonging to a man in a suit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________“DS Carling, DC Skelton?” He asked, looking between the two of them. When neither of them spoke he pulled out his ID card “DCI Stirling, Metropolitan Police D and C. I have an update for you about the search for your DI’s shooter, shall we?” He gestured to the seats they had recently vacated and waited until Ray and Chris had sat down either side of Shaz before sitting opposite them. He sighed before getting straight to the point. “We have a witness to your DI getting shot. The witness saw you DI and DCI arguing before DCI Hunt pulled a gun and shot.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Shaz gasped involuntarily and Chris instinctively put an arm around her before speaking. “Who was the witness, just a member of the public?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Stirling shook his head “Unfortunately I’m not allowed to tell you. They have a right to remain anonymous.” He scratched his head “I then went to Fenchurch East to see what the other members of CID had to say about it and I was told that only yesterday DCI Hunt threatened DI Drake.” He watched their reactions closely. “Do any of you have anything to say about that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Shaz spoke first, surprising everyone herself included. “He didn’t mean it. They had an argument and he said it in a moment of anger. On my life, he would never have carried out that threat.” She held up her hands as she spoke and fixed her stare on Stirling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Stirling smirked “if he would never have carried out the threat, why did he leave the scene. Surely innocent men don’t run”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________Ray shared a look with Chris, _‘another thing a good leader wouldn’t have done. _He thought. He should have known that leaving the scene would have made the Guv look more guilty, but then again he didn’t know there’d been a witness. He found himself asking “Did the witness say what they were arguing about?” He dropped his gaze to his hands.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“The witness saw DCI Hunt look at DI Drake, say ‘it’s over love’ and shoot her in the stomach” Stirling rattled off. “Does that mean anything to any of you”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Before any of them could respond a nurse arrived and addressed Ray “DS Carling? DI Drake is out of surgery. We can only let you in for two minutes, but just so you know what the score is” as she finished she turned to Chris and Shaz, who nodded._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Ray stood up first “I’m sorry sir, but can we do this another time?” He gestured to Chris and Shaz “we need to see her. She doesn't have any family. Just us” He stopped and silently pleaded with whoever might be listening that he would let them go._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Stirling sighed “Alright. I have to go to Fenchurch East tomorrow to collect statements. I’ll see you then.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Without waiting for Stirling to leave, the three of them followed the nurse down a corridor. She led them through a set of double doors into intensive care. She stopped outside the room closest to the nurse’s station. “Before you go in I need to prepare you for what you’re going to see. We’ve had to put her in an induced coma to give her the best chance of recovering. She still has some internal bleeding which we haven’t been able to stop and we have put her on a ventilator” She sighed “Just so you know she’ll be surrounded by machines”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Ray nodded, stepping protectively in front of Chris and Shaz “Thanks love”. He took a deep breath and walked through the door first. Stopping short, causing Shaz and Chris to walk into him. Muttering an apology he walked further into the room and fought down the gasp that rose in his throat. It didn’t seem right, their tough as nails DI looking so fragile. Her face was unnaturally pale and her eyes looked bruised. He sensed rather than saw Shaz step away and walk towards the bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“It’s alright ma’am” Shaz’s soft voice cut through the silence of the room. “They’re going to look after you” She squeezed Alex’s hand as Chris took a seat on the opposite side of the bed and picked up her other hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Yeah. you’ll be alright. You’re in the best hospital in London.” Chris didn’t seem so sure of whether to speak again, after a brief look at Shaz, who had resumed straightening Alex’s hair, the same way she had in the park, and Ray, who was looking through the medical notes. He dropped his voice “I never got to say thank you ma’am. For coming after me when they got in contact with me. You got the rest of CID talking to me again and I will always be grateful.” He stopped as the nurse reappeared at the door, gesturing for them to go. Shaz held out her hand and Chris took it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Ray watched them go for a minute before going to Alex’s bedside. “Listen ma’am” he tried to keep his voice steady, even though he wasn’t sure if she could hear him. “We need you to come back. I can’t do this leadership lark, we need you. The Guv needs you.” Seeing the nurse still at the door Ray stood up and walked out without looking back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Standing outside the hospital, Chris took a long drag of a cigarette and sighed. “So what do we do now?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Ray mimicked his movement with his own cigarette. “I don’t think I’ll sleep much tonight” Shaz and Chris nodded in agreement. “I think we should go to Luigi’s, he’ll want to know what’s happened”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________The three of them slowly began to walk towards the Quattro, when a familiar brown princess swung into the hospital car park. Gene threw the door open and staggered out, a half-empty bottle of scotch in his hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Guv?” Ray’s shock was evident both on his face and in his voice “You can’t be here! What the hell are you doing?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Gene took a large mouthful of whiskey before speaking. Eyeing the three of them with some degree of skepticism. “I ‘ad to see her. Apologise.” He shook his head “I never meant to hurt her. You lot know that, don't you?” Instinctively Shaz and Chris nodded, they knew it was true. For all their fighting Guv and Drake were a team, a bloody unbreakable team._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Ray stepped forward, appearing much calmer than he felt. “Guv,” he began softly “We know you never meant to hurt her, but apparently there’s a witness who saw it happen. She told plod that you had been arguing and then went to CID who all heard you threaten her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Gene stopped short, rapidly sobering up “What? Who the-” he caught himself before speaking again “Jenette.” He stopped slurring, his voice suddenly clipped and sharp “She took Drake at gunpoint, I could’ve hit her but she moved.” He paused, his voice shaking slightly “I know she was paid to try and cause problems in CID and I fell for it”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Ray put his hand on Gene’s shoulder “It weren’t your fault Guv, you were trying to save one of your team. Problem is, you’re wanted now. Every plod in London will be looking for you”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Gene raised an eyebrow “you seem to forget who you’re talking to Ray. They’ll never catch the Gene Genie. I’ll take your advice after I’ve made sure my DI isn’t dead.” He started to walk into the hospital before turning round again. “And Raymondo, if there is so much of a scratch on the Quattro when I get back, my boot will meet your arse so hard you’ll wake up in Oban. Understood?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Yes Guv” Ray muttered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Good” Gene turned on his heel and marched into the hospital._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Shaz started after him in shock “He can’t be serious. He’s going to get himself arrested!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Chris sighed and wrapped an arm around her “There’s nought we can do Shazzer. You know the Guv”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Ray nodded in agreement and held up the keys to the Quattro “So Luigi’s?” he asked, earning a nod from Chris and Shaz._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Chris had almost given up on expecting Luigi to answer the door. It was two in the morning after all. Just as he was about to give up the door opened and he was met with a less than pleased Luigi._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Signor Chris do you have any idea what time-” he started before catching sight of Shaz, still wearing the ruined wedding dress, and Ray, whose hands were shaking. Behind them, he spotted the Quattro but not it’s owner, nor his owner’s beautiful DI. He brought a hand to his mouth and gestured for them all to come in. Pouring them all large glasses of scotch, he leaned on the bar and asked “What happened to Signor Hunt and the lovely Signorina Drake?”. His eyes were fearful and was obviously expecting the worst. He looked from Ray to Chris, expecting one of them to speak, finding himself taken by surprise when Shaz spoke._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“There was an accident” she sighed, leaning over her scotch “after the blag today. We’d foiled it but lost ma’am and Guv.” Luigi’s eyes widened in fear before Shaz caught herself “I mean lost track of them. Apparently, a suspect took ma’am at gunpoint. Guv tried to shoot but shot ma’am” Shaz’s voice cracked and she shook her head, dropping her gaze to the bar._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Chris put an arm around her and carried on “It was an accident, but the suspect told plod it wasn’t so now Guv’s had to go on the run. We don’t know when we’ll see him again” he sighed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“But” Luigi clearly wasn’t satisfied with the information he’d been given. “What about Signorina Drake, she was shot then what?” He tried to keep his voice steady although his eyes betrayed how nervous he clearly was. Ray downed the rest of his scotch and sighed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Intensive Care, University College” He tapped the side of his glass as Luigi refilled it “He caught her in the stomach. We don’t know if-” he stopped himself “When she’ll wake up”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Luigi looked at the three of them, all of them clearly still in shock. He disappeared into the back of the restaurant and came back with a pile of blankets and some spare clothes, the latter of which he set down in front of Shaz. “i miei cari amici” he began, gaining their attention ''I cannot tell you how this news upsets me. But it clearly has greatly upset you too. None of you are in a state to go anywhere. You need to be together and you need to be looked after” Ray opened his mouth to argue but Luigi was persistent “Mio Caro Shaz, you can change in the bathroom, I see you don’t want to wear that dress. Give it to me, my wife will take good care of it.” Shaz nodded and disappeared into the bathroom. “You two” Luigi turned his attention back to Ray and Chris. “You sleep here tonight. Anywhere that is comfortable. I will be upstairs if you need anything” he turned as if to go when Chris stopped him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Luigi.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of notes, placing them on the bar he spoke before Luigi could refuse “Guv’s bar tab, in case...” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence “It’s only about half, but I contributed to it a lot over the years.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Ray dug into his own pockets and pulled out a few notes as well “You’ve been good to him and to us Luigi. We appreciate it”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Shaz emerged from the bathroom wearing an oversized shirt and some leggings. Hearing the end of the conversation, she opened her bag and pulled out some notes of her own. Adding them to the pile, she pushed them towards Luigi. “Thank you”._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Luigi patted her shoulder gently and nodded to the other two. “Again, I am just upstairs if you need me”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Taking one of the blankets, Shaz curled up in a corner seat on one of the benches. Noticing she didn't have a pillow, Chris picked up another blanket and spread it over himself. Resting his feet on a chair before lifting Shaz’s head up gently so it was resting on his leg. Ray sighed, picking up the remaining blanket he took a seat on the bench next to Chris, who angled his makeshift footrest slightly so it was within Ray’s reach. For the first time since that afternoon, they allowed themselves to breathe._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________~~~~~~_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Gene knocked back another whiskey in the pub. It wasn’t anything to write home about but still, it was whiskey. The pub itself was very shabby. Peeling wallpaper and damp patches on the wall but it was isolated, in a rural part of the Isle of Wight. He needed isolation, away from London. He knew that every copper was looking for him and if they caught him, he couldn’t have made a case for himself. The only ‘witness’ had told the police a pack of lies and he couldn’t even count on his team in CID anymore. They’d all heard him threaten her. It was something he knew he’d regret until the day he died._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________His name on the radio caught his attention “...DCI Gene Hunt, who is wanted for the attempted murder of his colleague, DI Alex Drake, who is currently in critical condition. His description has been given to divisions up and down the country.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Shit _He thought. He had to get out of there. He quickly stood up and threw a couple of notes onto the bar. But not quickly enough, he saw two uniformed plods come in through the front door of the pub and start showing a picture to customers by the door. He turned to face the opposite direction and walked towards the back of the pub. He found himself thanking a God he didn’t believe in when he spotted an exit at the back into a beer garden. Quickly, he threw open the door of the princess and started driving. This time, with a very clear idea of where he was going.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	3. Sometimes the person you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> Sorry, it's been such a long wait (I'm low key drowning in uni work and looked at this fic for the first time this evening). 
> 
> As you can probably guess from the chapter summary this is the day after the Series Two finale. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> (Chapter Title from Miss Missing You - Fall out Boy)

Shaz opened her eyes slowly, momentarily disoriented by her surroundings before she realised she was in Luigi’s. Looking down at her outfit she felt her stomach twist as she remembered the events of the previous day. 

_No_ she thought stubbornly. She wasn’t going to think about it. No good would come from it. Standing up she surveyed the restaurant. Ray and Chris were both still asleep. Chris looked peaceful like nothing could have been bothering him. Ray was frowning, still unable to shake the stress of what had happened. With a sigh, she picked up her bag and started to walk towards the door before stopping and pulling a pen out of her bag. Using one of the napkins she quickly scribbled a note on a napkin and left it on the table in front of Chris. 

_Gone home to change, meet you at work._

Without looking back, she opened the door of Luigi’s and walked out into the crisp November morning. 

~~~~  
Chris woke up to the sound of footsteps, walking round and round in a circle. Slowly he opened one eye and spotted Ray, a mug in his hand, weaving his way through the tables. He did a few laps before he noticed Chris was awake. He nodded but didn’t speak straight away. Chris sat up, noticing for the first time that Shaz had gone, he opened his mouth to speak when Ray pointed to the note on the table. Chris sighed, as much as he didn’t want to, he knew they’d have to go and face the rest of CID and the scrutiny of D and C. Ray seemed to catch on to his train of thought and spoke softly. 

“It’ll be alright mate, we can do this” His words were comforting but it was obvious Ray was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Chris. He didn’t speak again, only turned back to the bar to put his mug down, placing a couple of notes underneath it. He turned back around and gestured towards the door. Chris nodded and followed him out of Luigi’s. 

~~~~~  
Gene stepped out of the hotel into brilliant sunshine. This was much better. He could clear his head here and figure out a plan, all front the comfort of a beach. Pulling his hip flask out of his pocket, he sat down on the wall and took a drink, allowing the scotch to cloud the memories that had been playing in his mind on a loop. 

~~~~  
Ray parked the Quattro outside Fenchurch East. Turning to Chris he sighed “I don’t think I’m ready for this mate” he admitted moving his hands around on the steering wheel. 

Chris brushed some crumbs from his hand and scrunched up the paper bag his sandwich had occupied. “Neither mate, but we have to. The investigation, we’re the only people who know the Guv didn’t shoot her. He needs us”

Ray nodded “I suppose you’re right” he muttered, throwing open the door of the Quattro and stepping out onto the street. As he did he caught sight of Shaz, walking up the road. She stopped for a moment when she spotted the Quattro and then increased her pace. As she approached, Ray noticed how pale she still was and how tired she looked. Placing a hand on her shoulder he spoke gently “You sure you’re alright Granger? If you want to go home you can”

Shaz shook her head “Being at home would be worse than being here, at least I can keep busy here” she sniffed, bringing a shaking hand up to her face. “Besides” she continued, her tone became steadier “If I’m not here, who's going to tell the truth about Guv?” she asked. “I know that three against twenty isn’t very convincing but it’s better than two against twenty” Ray and Chris nodded. Chris stepped forward protectively.

“If you want to go home at any point Shaz, just go alright? If I notice you’ve gone I’ll pop over after work” he promised. Ray nodded in agreement before gesturing towards the doors of the station.

“Shall we?” He asked.

Shaz and Chris nodded and together the three of them walked through the doors. They hoped to make it through reception unnoticed but weren’t so lucky. Viv spotted them and came over, gesturing they should follow him. He led them down a corridor into one of the interview rooms. Once they were all inside he shut the door and sighed. “D and C” he began, rubbing a hand across his face. 

Ray groaned “They didn’t beat us here did they?” Viv nodded sadly and Ray shook his head “Have they already started interviewing?” he whispered, even though he didn’t really want to know the answer. His heart dropped when Viv nodded again. 

“They wanted to speak to everyone who had close involvement with Guv and Ma’am, myself included” he sighed “I’ll tell you exactly what I told them, which was that for all their fighting Guv would never shoot her intentionally” he shrugged his shoulder. 

Chris stepped forward “What about the fight?” he frowned “did they ask you about the fight?”. He started cracking his fingers nervously. 

Viv gave him a small smile and shook his head again. “I wasn’t in CID at the time, so I couldn’t confirm that Guv had threatened her.” Running a hand over his hair he sighed again “The Guv’s been good to me, I’m not going to turn around and stab him in the back, I can’t promise no one will, but you all have me in your corner with you.” He looked at his watch “You three had better go. They'll probably want to talk to you as well, as you were at the scene.” He held the door open for them and the three of them walked down the corridor into CID.

As they walked in silence fell over the gathered officers. Shaz stepped away from Ray and Chris to sit at her desk. Ray realised with a start they were waiting for his orders. He straightened his posture and spoke, desperately trying to give an air of authority. 

“Right you lot, keep going over the operation rose files. Make sure we haven’t missed anything” he ordered. Half expecting the rest of CID to refuse. To his surprise, everyone sat back down at their desks and got the files out. He glanced at Chris, who nodded reassuringly. Just as everyone settled down the door to CID was thrown open and DCI Stirling marched in. 

“Morning all.” His voice was clipped and sharp “If it’s alright with you Inspector Carling I need to interview each member of your team about yesterday’s events.” He shot Ray a look which clearly showed it wasn’t a request. Ray nodded and sighed. Stirling gave him a thin smile and turned to Poirot, Terry, and Bammo. “I’ll start with you three if that’s alright”. Without waiting for a response he turned and marched back out of CID again. Terry, Bammo and Poirot were hot on his heels.

After a few seconds Ray stood up as if to follow them. Chris caught him on the arm “Mate what are you doing?” He whispered, before realising CID was empty apart from the two of them and Shaz. 

Ray shook him off “I’m going to make sure they aren’t stabbing the best DCI in the world in the back”. 

Chris let go of him and straightened up “I’m coming with you”, his voice was steady and he frowned. Ray knew that it wasn’t worth arguing with him. 

“Alright fine” he sighed and together the two of them tiptoed up to the interview room opposite CID. Ray nudged Chris aside and pushed his ear up against the door. Chris sighed and leaned against the wall next to Ray. What they heard from the other side of the door made their blood run cold. Although they couldn’t hear what Stirling had asked, they could take a guess from the responses of their so-called team. 

“...He did threaten her...he threatened to kill her. In front of everyone” Poirot was the first voice they could make out. Admittedly he was telling the truth but surely he should have known it wasn’t true. Ray nodded his head towards the door and glared. Chris shook his head before pressing his ear back to the door. This time it was Bammo he heard. 

“...Be honest with you Sir. They fought a lot, it was pretty much a daily occurrence. But this time felt different, they had an argument in his office, a physical argument then DI Drake stormed out. That’s when Guv threatened her. I’ve never seen him that angry with her before. ” 

Even though they couldn’t see him, they knew Bammo was shaking his head. For the first time since they’d arrived at the interview room, they heard Stirling’s voice. 

“Alright last question. Do you think he’s innocent?” 

There was a second of silence that passed like an hour before Terry spoke, his voice shaking. “One of the first cases I worked on with Guv, the suspect legged it. When we finally caught up with him and got him back to the station he protested and said he was innocent. Guv looked him in the eye and said ‘innocent men don’t run son’”.

Ray looked at Chris and saw the anger he felt reflected on Chris’s face. They didn’t understand how three people who hero-worshipped the Guv could turn around and stab him in the back? Chris looked ready to storm into the interview room. Before he could Ray caught his arm and pulled him back. “You can’t mate, Stirling’s got enough fuel already without you attacking fellow officers.” Chris sighed and stepped back. Ray gestured back towards CID. “We should go. We don’t want to get caught eavesdropping on a confidential conversation” he muttered darkly. 

Chris looked like he might kick the door for a second but nodded and the two of them walked back to CID.

~~~~~~

Shaz picked the files up off her desk and walked to the door with her head down even though CID was empty. Despite what she’d said to Chirs and Ray she desperately didn’t want to be there, but equally, she didn’t want to leave. If she left she’d have to deal with Ray being sympathetic, which was one of the worst parts of this. She knew it was bad when Ray stopped making sleazy comments. With a sigh she pushed the door open and walked straight into Viv, dropping all her files in the process. 

Viv was clearly as surprised as she was “Sorry Shaz, I didn’t see you there” he bent down and helped her pick up the remaining files. “Here you go.” He moved to hold the door open for her before catching sight of her face. Instead of going through the door, he stopped Shaz before she could walk down the corridor. “Are you alright?” he asked, a look of genuine concern on his face. 

Shaz sighed “I’m ok thanks Viv, I just-” she stopped, her voice catching in her throat. “I guess I’m still processing what happened yesterday.” She dropped her eyes to the floor. 

Viv tutted sympathetically “I’m not surprised” he paused before speaking again. “Do you fancy a cup of tea? If that’s what you've worked through this morning a break would probably do you go” He gestured to the files in her hand. 

Shaz nodded gratefully, “I would love one, thank you Viv”

Viv smiled and led the way down the corridor. 

~~~~~~~~~  
Ray lit another cigarette and watched it burn. He felt fire simmering in the bottom of his stomach when he thought about what the others had said in the interview room. They might as well have just said they thought Guv was a cold-blooded killer and have done with it. The situation looked bad but surely they must have known he would never have hurt any of them, especially not Drake. He was so lost in thought he almost missed the others coming back into CID, only noticing when Stirling’s voice cut through the silence. 

“I’m taking my lunch break.” Ray looked over to him, he nodded at him before continuing “I’ll interview you, DC Skelton, and WPC Granger when I get back”

Ray nodded, even though he assumed Shaz had gone home, she wasn’t in CID where they’d left her. Stirling walked out of CID as Tery, Bammo and Poirot sat back at their desks. Without looking at Chris he stormed over to Terry’s desk and pulled him up off the seat. “What the bloody hell was that about?” he bellowed, shoving Terry against his desk. 

Bammo and Poirot quickly came to Terry’s aid and Chris fought to pull Ray back. He wasn’t quite strong enough and Ray almost broke free of his grip, raising his voice as he did so “How many times has the Guv been there for you?” he spat “All those times he’s looked out for you ”, made allowances for you when you’ve made a mistake-”

“What?” Terry shot back, shaking himself free of Bammo and Poirot “The same way he made allowances for Skelton when he passed on evidence?” He shot Chris a look of fury as he spoke. 

Chris felt himself become weak at Terry’s words. It was a fair comment and he couldn’t deny it. Although it seemed Shaz, Ray, Guv, and ma’am had forgiven him, he hadn’t realized his other colleagues still harboured that much resentment towards him. 

Ray stepped forward and cracked his knuckles “You take that back Terry” he snarled “You know full well that the only reason we caught Carnegie and the others was because of Chris and you know it”

Terry shrugged off his jacket and stepped forward as well, squaring up to Ray “How do I know you weren’t all in on it?” He smirked “Three Manchurian musketeers, you’ve all made it quite clear how much you hate this” he paused like he was thinking, then raised his hands to make air quotes around his words “God-forsaken southern shithole” At his words Chris stepped forward as well, his hands clenched into fists. 

Terry glanced around CID and gestured to Alex’s empty desk “She was always too smart for you lot” he sighed “How do we know that she didn’t uncover that you lot were corrupt and that’s why Guv shot her-”

For the first time, Chris interrupted “Do you really have no loyalty, Terry?” His voice was like ice. Terry opened his mouth to protest but Chris cut him off “Guv was right. I made a mistake and I deeply regretted it.” He looked at Ray apologetically before turning back to the other three ”but Guv and Ray were not involved.” He then turned to look at Alex’s empty desk and he felt his voice catch when he spoke again “I know what happened with DI Drake looks bad” he stopped to swallow, once, twice before continuing, blinking back tears in his eyes “but let me tell you the witness was not a reliable one. I know who she was and she wanted ma’am out of the way. She took her at gunpoint and Guv’s only option was to shoot.” He glanced up at a familiar sign _The Manc Lion_. “If you know nothing else surely you’ve got to know that Guv would never intentionally hurt one of his tea-.”

“Oh give it a rest Skelton” Terry snapped “I don’t think you’re in a position to lecture anyone about their loyal-” he was cut off by Ray stepping forward and punching him square in the nose, before grabbing his shoulders and pushing backwards over his chair. 

“You know that Chris did what he did out of loyalty to Shaz” he spat “yes he did the wrong thing but it was for the benefit of someone else” he raised his fist “If _you_ had any loyalty you’d see that”

At that moment, all hell broke loose in CID.  
~~~~~~  
Shaz looked down into the dregs of her tea. Nothing felt right and although she felt like going home she knew it wasn’t fair to leave Chris and Ray to defend Guv on their own. The tea had helped though and so had talking to Viv. Like ma’am, there was something about his presence that was calming. Without speaking he looked up and pushed a plate of biscuits across the table to her.

“You look like you could do with eating something,” he remarked gently

She smiled half-heartedly before picking up a digestive and nibbling the end of it before putting it down and sighing. “Tell you the truth Viv, I don’t feel like I’ll ever eat again...or sleep “she added with a shudder. 

Viv nodded “It’s understandable to feel like that, but you will eat and sleep again. Besides” he allowed himself a small chuckle “DI Drake wouldn’t have wanted you to save her life if you were going to start living yours like a self destruct mission”

Shaz shook her head “I ‘aven’t saved her life though, not yet. I might have just bought her more time” she sighed, cursing internally as she felt her breath shake “Every time I close my eyes I’m back in that park”

Viv gently placed a hand on her shoulder “I know” he muttered softly, gently patting her arm as he stood up and picked up her teacup “Do you want another one?” he asked.

Shaz dragged a hand across her face and looked up “No thanks Viv, I should probably get back to work anyway” she sighed. 

Viv nodded “Take one with you, you’ll feel bett-” his sentence was cut short by a crash accompanied by shouting from CID.

~~~~  
Shaz shot into CID, with Viv seconds behind her. They both stopped short as they took in the scene confronting them. 

Chris was sitting on his chair, dabbing at his bleeding nose with a tissue. Bammo and Poirot stood to one side, not making eye contact with anyone. Neither of them looked particularly hurt. In the middle of the room, Ray and Terry were still squared up to each other, oblivious to the injuries they’d sustained. 

“Let me remind you of one thing, Terry.” Ray’s voice was dangerously quiet “This is Guv’s CID and here we stick together.” He gestured over his shoulder to Alex’s empty desk “We’ve already lost one of our finest and I’ll be damned if the people left start stabbing each other in the back.” He stopped to draw breath and scowled “You don’t have to forgive Chris, but as long as you’re in here you treat him with respect and loyalty. Understood?”

Terry didn’t relax but nodded curtly “Understood Sargent”

Behind them, Stirling re-entered CID and looked round before landing on Chris. “DC Skelton, we’ll carry on with you I think” without waiting for a response he turned on his heel and walked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. Please leave any thoughts in the comments! :)


	4. So many walls up I can't break through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to watch the person you love hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I'm sorry it's been such a long time, I promise I haven't forgotten about this fic. I just have a lot of uni work rn. 
> 
> This is just a short chapter of Shaz and Chris content, I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Title is from "The Story of Us" by Taylor Swift

Chris had been surprised to still find Shaz in CID after lunch. She clearly hadn’t wanted to be there and clearly wasn’t doing herself any favours by being there. That showed everyone how good a copper she really was. Despite being traumatised by the previous day, she had held herself together in the interview with Sterling and hadn’t hesitated or given him any reason to doubt her. She’d been calm, she’d been professional. If Chris hadn’t known any better, he would have said that she hadn’t been bothered at all by the previous day. Of course, the facade cracked as soon as Stirling had turned his back on them to leave the station. Ray had gone to see him out, leaving Chris alone with Shaz for the first time since the blag. Although she wasn’t crying, she looked the same way she had in the hospital. In shock, devastated. She went to take a step down the corridor and stumbled slightly like she was going to faint.

Instinctively Chris caught her and supported her as they walked back to CID. Sitting her down in his chair he ran and fetched her a glass of water. She pushed it away and he gently pushed it back “You know you need it” he whispered. 

Shaz shook her head “I think the only thing I need at the minute is to be at home” she replied, not meeting Chris’s eyes. 

Chris stood up “I understand. Come on I’ll take you home” he held out his hand and Shaz took it gratefully. 

~~~  
Arriving back at her flat, Shaz felt a wave of nausea wash over her. She didn’t want to be here. Not on her own. Not now. She walked slowly through to the sitting room, where Chris was laying out the chips he’d insisted on stopping and picking up. He looked up when she walked in and tried to smile. “You alright Shazzer?” he asked, trying and failing to disguise the crack in his voice. 

Shaz didn’t reply but stepped forward and pulled Chris into her arms. She felt him drop his head onto her shoulder and tighten his hold on her. For the first time since she’d gone to her dress fitting, she felt safe, safe enough to let the barrier around her emotions down. Slightly. Judging by the growing damp patch on her shoulder Chris felt the same. The interview had been hell. Stirling had looked for every opportunity to trip them up and having to relive the previous day had been more traumatic than either of them would ever care to admit. Carefully Shaz stood on her tiptoes and whispered “I love you, Christopher, with all my heart”. She hadn’t expected a response but Chris tightened his grip on her and whispered back. 

“You too Shazzer”

~~~~  
Chris felt like he’d only been asleep a few minutes when he was woken up by a noise from his side. Rolling over to face Shaz he realised she was trying to fight something, while still asleep. She was speaking but it wasn’t any English he recognised. Gently he shook her shoulder. “Shaz?” he whispered, almost falling backwards off the bed when she suddenly sat bolt upright, momentarily disoriented by her surroundings. Realising she was at home and that Chris was with her she held her arm out and immediately he was at her side. Burying her head in Chris’s shoulder she wrapped her arms around him and stayed there. Chris shifted slightly so he was leaning back against the headboard and slowly moved his hand up and down Shaz’s back in an attempt to comfort her. With his other hand, he brushed her hair back off her forehead. “You’re ok Shazzer” he whispered “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” Tilting her chin up gently he kissed her forehead and waited for what felt like hours before her breathing steadied and she succumbed to her exhaustion. Once Shaz had relaxed, Chris found himself allowing sleep to take him over.   
~~~~~  
After a week of living with Shaz, Chris had pretty much abandoned the idea of ever getting a decent night’s sleep. Shaz didn’t sleep much and when she did it was fitful and clearly tormented by nightmares. Nightmares Chris could only assume revolved around Operation Rose. Whatever they were, they were clearly pushing Shaz close to the edge. Chris felt powerless. He knew he couldn’t force her to talk about them if she didn’t want to but seeing her sleepwalking round CID during the day and fighting whatever demons plagued her at night broke his heart. He had always thought of Shaz as open and not one to keep secrets, but as he held her, night after night he began to realise how truly guarded she was. 

Shaz had been hoping the nightmares would go after the first week. She knew that it was normal to experience nightmares after something traumatic. Ma’am had explained it to her once during a lunch hour they had shared, but she hadn’t appreciated how long they’d last or how many different forms they could take. It had been well over two months now. The dreams about King Doug were expected. What she hadn’t bargained for was living through the pain of losing Chris night after night. No matter what happened, no matter how many times during the day he’d reassured her that he was fine and he wasn’t going anywhere, she couldn’t escape the night terrors. Chris, caught in the crossfire of armed blaggers. Losing control of the car in a high-speed chase. Getting knocked out by a criminal and being left for dead. It was too much. She was starting to dread leaving work at the end of the day, she knew it only brought her closer to the time she was meant to be asleep. She knew Chris was worried but at the same time couldn’t bring herself to open up to him. All the things she worried about happening were daily risks he had to take to do his job and she knew that his job meant a lot to him, especially now. She knew that if she’d raised any kind of concern he would straight away ask Ray to be put on desk duty and she knew that Ray would let him. She couldn’t be responsible for that. Chris had lost so much in the past few months, she couldn’t be the one to take his job away from him. With a sigh, she slipped out of bed and walked to the sitting room. 

~~~~~~~~

Chris thought it might last a fortnight, a month at most. But two and a half months after Operation Rose, Shaz still wasn’t sleeping. She’d taken to getting up in the middle of the night and sitting on the sofa, He assumed in an attempt to give him some peace. He could feel her pulling away from him, almost like she was scared of loving him. He didn’t know what to do about it. When she had pulled away before, he’d turned to Drake for advice, he couldn’t do that anymore, he had to work this out for himself. Quietly he picked his way through the flat to the living room, where he knew he’d find her. Tonight she was pacing around looking at the photos on the walls. She stopped in front of a photo that was only a few weeks old. A photo of the two of them, Ray, Guv and Ma’am all leaning on the Quattro outside the station. Viv had taken it after they’d caught the animal rights activists who’d thrown the bomb outside CID. A case they had only solved because of Shaz. 

“I was surprised” Her voice drew Chris back into the room. “When Ma’am came to find me to say that I was wanted for a team photo.” she laughed softly “It was the first time I felt like I’d done something worthwhile in an investigation”

Chris smiled “It wasn't the first time Shazzer I can promise you” he paused “It might’ve been the first time you were recognised for it.” He paused and glanced at Shaz before looking back at the photo. “According to Ray, Guv agreed straight away that you should be in the photo.”

Shaz couldn’t hide her surprise “Did he?” she glanced at the photo before turning to Chris “Why?”

Chris shrugged “I think it was the first time Guv actually started to listen to Drake about you being smart enough to be given some responsibility. I reckon” he sighed “It was about bloody time”

Shaz didn’t reply but found Chris’s hand and squeezed it, a silent thanks. Not just for what he’d said but for just being there, throughout everything. No matter how much she’d wanted to keep to herself about the nightmares, Chris hadn’t abandoned her. 

Chris returned the squeeze before gently pulling on her arm. She looked up and he nodded his head back towards her room. Seeing she was about to protest he spoke quickly “I know that sleeping isn’t very easy at the minute Shazzer.” If he hadn’t known better he would have sworn Shaz had rolled her eyes “but it wouldn’t hurt to at least be somewhere it’s comfortable to sleep. We can keep talking” he promised. 

Shaz paused, considering her options. Eventually, she nodded and allowed Chris to lead her out of the sitting room. Away from the photos, back to the one place she still felt relatively safe, at least when she was awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Shaz, and poor Chris. 
> 
> I don't know when the next chapter will be published, it will be a Gene chapter but it isn't quite finished yet. We're starting to get into the centre of the story now and the next few chapters will be quite dark (I'll put trigger warnings at the start of the chapters that require them). 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as always leave your thoughts in the comments :) xx


	5. Won't you torture someone else's sleep?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guilt doesn't sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> As promised we are back with Gene for this chapter. 
> 
> Trigger warning for emetophobia in the second half of this chapter (when Alex arrives)
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Chapter title is from Anathema by Twenty One Pilots

Gene lay on the bed in his hotel room, normally by this point he’d drunk enough scotch to knock himself out for several hours. It was the only way he could sleep these days. He knew that leaving London hadn’t been the right thing to do but he couldn't go back, not now. It had been too long. Any loyalty they would have felt towards him would surely have evaporated by now. He’d left them without a leader and he knew it. He only hoped Ray would step up to the mark. 

With a sigh, he picked up the bottle of scotch by the side of his bed and unscrewed the top. He couldn’t think about them, about her. It would kill him. Feeling the world around him fade, he downed the remaining two-thirds of the bottle before falling unconscious again. 

He guessed it was because he’d thought about the team before going to sleep, but that night, for the first time in three months he found himself dreaming about them. He stood rooted to the spot as Carnegie’s men tempted Chris, holding the money in front of him. Seeing Shaz stood one side of Carnegie's men, powerless to do anything. Alex and Ray stood on the other side. Feeling sick to his stomach, Gene turned away as Chris accepted the money. 

A scream drew his attention back to the scene, he didn’t want to look, he knew the scene he’d be confronted with and he couldn’t face it again, yet he couldn’t stay away, raising his gaze he stopped. Instead of being faced with Alex, wounded at his hands, he saw Carnegie himself, holding a knife to Shaz’s throat. Two of his men pushed Chris to the ground and kicked him until he held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. Looking guiltily at Ray and Alex, who had their backs turned, he rummaged in his jacket and handed Carnegie a folder. 

Gene felt his heart sink. The file. The thing they’d asked Chris to lose. Steeling himself Chris straightened up to Carnegie, who smirked. He leaned forward and whispered something else to Chris, not letting Shaz out of his grip. Chris looked horrified, he glanced at Alex and Ray who still had their backs turned, and shook his head. Carnegie smiled and put his knife back to Shaz’s throat. Looking around hopelessly Chris could see that Alex and Ray were too far away to help him. He set his eyes on Gene, like he was noticing him for the first time, and quietly whispered “Guv, I’m sorry. I don’t have a choice.”

Gene tried to step forward, to throw himself between Chris and Carnegie, get Shaz to safety but found himself rooted to the spot. Carnegie took the file and smirked. His two soldiers pushed Chris to the ground again. Although Gene couldn’t see what was happening suddenly Shaz let out a blood-curdling scream, Carnegie snarled at her before pushing the knife closer against her throat, his intention clear.

Sitting bolt upright in bed, Gene tried to steady his breathing. It had just been a dream, that was it. Only a dream. Looking over the side of his bed he leaned down and picked up his last full bottle of scotch. Frantically unscrewing the cap he drank desperately, draining the most of the bottle before collapsing back onto his pillows.

This time when sleep overtook him, he couldn’t see Chris, or Ray or Shaz. He saw the one person he missed the most but dreaded to see. Alex, Madam Fruitcake, Bolly. They stood in front of his desk like they’d done so many times since her arrival in his station. She was smiling, a warm genuine smile. He felt his stomach twist. He didn’t deserve to have a smile at him like that. She stepped forward and put her hands on his shoulders. 

“I’ve missed you Guv” Her voice was soft, softer than he’d ever heard it. “You were my contestant.”

Gene wanted to step back but found himself stuck, the same way he’d been when Carnegie approached Chris. 

Alex didn’t seem to notice and stepped closer to him, her hands still on his shoulders. “You’ve done nothing but look after me ever since I got here”

For the first time, Gene found his voice, it was thick and trembling but at least it was his “You know that’s not true Bolly” he whispered. It wasn’t true, yes he’d saved her life a few times but all that was erased with a flash of anger and a misfired gun. He didn’t deserve to have Alex treat him like he was any better than dogshit on the pavement. He wasn’t aware that his arms had moved until he realised his hands were on her waist. Even though this was everything he’d wanted for the last two years, he couldn't surrender. Cursing internally as he did so he gently pushed Alex backwards, trying to create some space between them. 

Alex shook her head “I would’ve died on day one had it not been for you” she whispered, almost desperately. She looked up at him briefly and the look in her eyes pierced his heart like a shard of ice. Trust, loyalty...love even. All emotions he didn’t deserve, especially not from her. 

“I...” Alex started, before choking slightly. Although he knew this couldn’t have been real, he opened his mouth to ask her what was wrong but his attention was caught by the sudden warmth under his hand. Instinctively he looked down and felt the air leak out of his lungs, the red stain on the front of her shirt so familiar, yet somehow worse than he’d remembered. Desperately he pressed one hand to the wound, bringing the other up to Alex’s face. 

“Look at me Bolls” he begged, not holding out much hope for her hearing him. She suddenly coughed violently, splattering the floor of his office with blood and vomit. Realising Gene had loosened his grip on her she went to take a step back, only to stumble and collapse. Another memory that Gene had fought to keep locked away. Finding himself able to move for the first time, he all but collapsed next to her. Rummaging in his pockets he pulled out a handkerchief and gently wiped the vomit and blood from her mouth. “I’ve got you Drake” he muttered, carefully pressing his other hand back to the wound in her stomach.

Alex was clearly close to losing consciousness, her breathing had become laboured but at his voice she opened her eyes. “I know-” she coughed weakly. Gene carefully moved to support her head.

“What do you know madam fruitcake?” Gene replied, before adding “Other than everything?” Although he had wanted to make this feel like a normal conversation, being very well aware he might never see her again, he couldn’t disguise the crack in his voice. 

Alex clearly heard the crack and lifted her hand. Letting go of the handkerchief Gene caught hold of it. With some effort, Alex whispered, “You’ll never let anything bad happen to me”. 

With eight words she had shattered Gene’s world completely. It was too late for him to make that promise, a promise he’d already broken. Yes, he’d saved her life but only because he hadn’t done enough to keep her safe in the first place. Taking her with him to Edgbaston. Letting her go to Chas Cale’s on her own. Sending her back to Soho on her own, where she’d been abducted and nearly killed. That minion of Robin’s holding her at gunpoint. St Joseph's Garden. Two people, one of whom he didn’t even know had wanted her dead because of her connection to him. As this realisation sank in he felt Alex’s grip on his hand weakening. Without thinking he whispered “Never Bolly. Can’t be losing my best detective.” He laughed softly, even though he felt like crying.

Alex smiled and squeezed his hand weakly. “Take care Guv,” she whispered as her final sliver of strength left her. Her head fell back and she was still. 

Gene didn’t feel like he could move. He certainly couldn’t just leave her here. As he knelt upon the floor he caught sight of a figure in the window. A long trench coat, short curly hair. He looked behind him and the figure was gone. Moving to stand up he realised his shirt was soaked with the blood of his now dead DI. 

For the second time in one night, Gene sat bolt upright, relieved to see he wasn’t in his office. Although he couldn’t quite see the beach from his room, he could see the sunshine. Ignoring the tightness in his chest, he looked around for his scotch bottle. With a start he realised his shirt, soaked like it was in the dream, carried a very familiar scent. Turning around, he realised he’d fallen asleep with the bottle in his hand. Spilling what little remained over himself and the bedclothes. 

As he stood up and surveyed the damage one word escaped his lips. “Bugger.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> As always please leave any thoughts in the comments :)


	6. Only Love Can Hurt Like This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An accident pushes Shaz to the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone I'm back with two chapters tonight!
> 
> Sorry, it's been a while, I'm getting to the end of term and have a lot of deadlines, but in two weeks I'm on holiday for Christmas so will hopefully be able to write more. 
> 
> Emetophobia trigger warning again for this chapter (After Chris arrives at Ray's) so proceed with caution. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Chris cursed when he looked at the alarm clock the next morning. He wasn’t surprised to find the flat empty, Shaz was an early riser and left for work pretty much as soon as she woke up. No doubt today she had done the same and had let him sleep, to make up for the night before. 

After he had convinced her to go back to her room they had stayed awake talking for most of the night. They laughed at some memories from the better days of CID before the conversation turned to nothing in particular. At around four, Shaz had finally fallen asleep, exhaustion winning over her fear of nightmares. It hadn’t lasted long though, barely twenty minutes later Shaz had sat bolt upright, fighting tears and struggling for breath. It had been almost impossible for Chris to sleep after that, although he supposed he must have managed it, given how spectacularly he’d managed to oversleep.  
~~~~  
Running down the road to the station Chris arrived as Ray walked out. Catching sight of him he waved him over to the car he had just unlocked. When Chris was close enough Ray spoke. 

“I don’t know what time you call this you twonk” he muttered, shoving Chris into the driver's seat “We’ve had a tip-off about a blag about to go off. They’re going to target one of the banks, we have to go now!”

Even though he was barely keeping his eyes open, Chris nodded and started the engine before Ray flapped at him. 

“Shit put your seatbelt on” He snapped. 

Chris was shocked, surely he must have fallen asleep. There was only one member of CID who insisted on people wearing seatbelts, but even she’d given up where Ray and the Guv were concerned. 

Ray rolled his eyes “I know you haven’t been awake long mate but the seat belt laws changed. Went through this morning” he sighed “£50 fine if you’re caught not wearing it” he paused to make sure Chris was taking in what he said “and as this technically isn’t a police vehicle it’s not exempt”

Chris nodded and put his seatbelt on on autopilot. Ray following suit. Slowly he drove towards the Station car park. 

“Come on Chris!” Ray muttered impatiently “we’re diving to a blag, not afternoon tea. Show some urgency”

“Sorry mate,” Chris muttered before putting his foot down.  
~~~~~~~

They had only arrived at the bank in time to see the blaggers screech off down the road in a battered transit. Chris slowed right down until Ray hit him on the shoulder 

“What are you doing, you twonk?” he shouted, “Go after them!”

Chris shook himself “of course, sorry mate”. Wrenching the car into gear they shot off in hot pursuit. 

They kept the blagger’s van in sight but didn’t seem able to catch up. Chris felt like they’d been driving for hours and they weren’t winning this car chase. He shut his eyes for a minute to try and clear his head.  
~~~~~  
Suddenly being thrown sideways, Chris jerked awake. Opening his eyes all he could see was grass through the broken windscreen, he became aware of the fact he was upside down and realised the only reason he was still in his seat was because of the seatbelt Ray had insisted they put on... Feeling something run down the side of his face he put his hand up and withdrew it to see blood covering his palm. He tried to turn his head but felt a shooting pain through his neck. 

To his left, he heard Ray shuffling around before a fist made contact with his shoulder. “You. Are. A. WANKER!” Ray muttered, punctuating each word with a hit. 

Chris didn’t even have the energy to respond. He shut his eyes and wasn’t even aware of the ambulance arriving.  
~~~  
Shaz sleepwalked back into CID after sitting with Viv for twenty minutes picking at her lunch. She hadn’t felt like eating for nearly two months now. Not since November. Nor had she felt like sleeping, or rather, hadn’t been able to sleep. She’d never really struggled with nightmares before, not even when she’d been stabbed but now...she was afraid of sleeping. Afraid of what horrible situation her mind might conjure up for her to live through, afraid of waking up and finding Chris or Ray injured. With a sigh, she sat back down at her desk and picked up the files she’d been working through that morning. Opening the first file she stared blankly at it. None of the words registered with her. She frowned, trying to make them make sense when the phone next to her rang. Looking around at the empty desks she sighed and picked up. 

“CID?” She began

The voice at the other end wasn’t one she recognised, but it spoke in a tone that filled her with dread “Good afternoon.” the voice began “I’m looking for a Miss Sharon Granger? Engaged to DC Chris Skelton?”

Trying to fight the rising panic in her chest Shaz took a few breaths before replying “Speaking”

The voice cleared his throat awkwardly “Ah yes. Unfortunately, I have some bad news. Your fiance and his colleague were in pursuit of another vehicle when it appears DC Skelton fell asleep and the wheel. Not for long, but long enough to lose control of the car……” The rest of the voice’s words faded into nothingness as Shaz felt her heart freeze. It was her fault. She’d had another nightmare last night and been too scared to go back to sleep. Chris had sat up for hours talking to her and looking after her. She’d tried to tell him not to go in but he hadn’t listened. Now he and Ray were badly hurt, maybe even dead, because of her. She’d almost forgotten the voice at the other end of the phone until he spoke again “we’re taking them to St Thomas’s hospital. I assume you’ll meet us there?”

Although she didn’t know how Shaz somehow found control of her voice “I’ll be there” she whispered. 

“Thank you, goodbye” and the line went dead. 

After hanging up the phone she immediately collapsed onto the floor, relieved beyond words that CID was empty. Quickly she looked around and grabbed the bin under her desk. It was only a couple of seconds before her stomach flipped and she lost the little food she’d eaten that day. Coughing, she set the bin down, still within arm's reach. She couldn’t do this anymore. It felt like she’d spent two and a half months. waiting for the phone call she’d just recieved. For the first time in the three years she’d been working for the police it properly hit her how dangerous the job was. Not even when she’d been stabbed had she been this scared. With a sigh, she acknowledged why that was. _I knew that even if I died Chris would be alright. He would still have Ray and Guv and although they weren’t close at that point ma’am would have looked out for him. Now we’ve lost ma’am and Guv. If something happens to any of us now that’ll be it_ She felt a sob rise in her chest and furiously choked it back down. Even though she was alone in CID, it wasn’t somewhere she could cry. She was unaware of the footsteps racing down the corridor until the voice accompanying them spoke. 

“Shaz?” she felt herself relax a little. It was only Viv. Viv had been a saint in the past few months. Always making sure she was alright. Backing Ray up when he made tough decisions and most admirably, she thought not letting anyone get away with saying anything bad about Chris and operation rose. He’d kept CID functioning if nothing else. It may not have seemed a big thing but Shaz was positive CID would have fallen apart without him. 

“Shaz?” he called again, moving round to check if she was in the kitchen. He stopped in his tracks when he caught sight of her slumped on the floor. Gently he knelt beside her and put an arm around her. With his support Shaz was able to sit back in her chair, resting her head on the desk. She was vaguely aware of him going into the kitchen and running the tap. A few moments later she was aware of something being placed on her desk. 

“Drink it, it’ll help” Viv’s voice was very calm and Shaz found it made her relax slightly, slowly lifting her head up she reached for the glass of water and had a couple of sips before setting it back down. 

“Thank you” she whispered, finding her voice hoarse when she tried to speak. 

Viv shook his head “Don’t mention it” He quickly took in his surroundings and nudged the bin back towards her. “I was looking for you because Bammo just radioed in” 

Shaz sat bolt upright and held her breath, desperately fighting the urge to throw up again. 

Viv nudged the bin closer again and gently put a hand on Shaz’s shoulder “He’s at the hospital with Chris and Ray. They’re alright”

Shaz gasped and almost immediately gagged. Viv picked up the bin very quickly and held it in front of her, averting his eyes almost as if allowing her to pretend she still had some dignity. She rinsed her mouth and took a couple of sips of water before she could trust herself to speak. “What?” She cursed internally at how weak her voice sounded but she didn’t care. 

Viv gently patted her back. “Apparently it looked a lot worse than it was” he sighed “The car did flip but for whatever reason, they’d both decided to put their seatbelts on today. It’s bloody lucky they did” 

Shaz sagged into her chair. She couldn’t take it all in. Every day since ma’am had been shot and Guv had gone on the run she’d been expecting something bad to happen to Ray and Chris, she knew they cared as much about driving safely as the Guv did and that was when they weren’t deprived of much-needed sleep. She was so caught up in thinking she nearly missed Viv’s next words. 

“According to Bammo, they’re both pretty much unhurt. A few minor bumps but nothing major.” He paused, pushing the glass of water back towards her “Apparently they should be discharged within the hour. I can take you if you want?” Although his tone was neutral she could read his expression clearly enough and she had to agree with him. He didn’t think she should be driving or attempting to make the journey to the hospital alone. 

~~~~~~~  
The journey to the hospital passed in a blur. Shaz spent most of it staring out the window, watching the streets of London pass by. She didn't know how to feel or what to expect when she got to the hospital. The minimum of what she felt was simultaneous relief and sadness that Chris and Ray hadn’t been taken to the same hospital as Ma’am. She didn’t ever want to sit in that waiting room again, but also desperately wanted to talk to her DI, even if she knew it would be a one-way conversation. She hadn’t realised they’d arrived until Viv gently patted her arm and muttered “We’re here Shaz.”

Shaz felt like her knees were going to give out as she walked across the car park. Viv silently hooked his arm through hers and she shot him a grateful look. They walked through the cold and into the hospital. As they approached the reception desk Chris walked out of a room behind, accompanied by Bammo and a Doctor. Shaz was slightly taken aback by how friendly they were all being with each other. They had barely spoken to each other since the day after operation rose, but now Bammo had his arm around Chris’s shoulder like they were best friends... 

The laughter pierced Shaz’s heart like a knife, although she was relieved beyond words that they were both alright, she didn’t understand how they could laugh at something that had been so scary for her. She’d been ready to pull Chris into her arms and never let go of him when she’d first arrived, but now she just felt numb. 

Then she spotted Ray, not joining in with the laughter. For the first time in three months, she noticed how tired Ray looked. She felt a jolt of sympathy for him. He had surprised them all by stepping up and being the leader they needed. In the time since she’d seen him this morning, something else had changed. She noticed the way he glared at Chris as he walked round him to talk to Viv. 

~~~~~~~  
As soon as they were through the door Shaz stormed into the kitchen, Chris hot on her heels. “Shaz I said I was sorry” he exclaimed desperately, holding his hands up in a gesture of surrender. 

Shaz turned round, her anger written all over her face. “Sorry?” She snapped “Sorry you nearly got yourself and Ray killed? That would have been such a comfort if you’d-” she broke off, unable to say it. “Do you have any idea how worried I was, Chris?” 

Chris didn’t know what to say to her. He knew deep down that she was right. He could have done things differently. Told Ray he wasn’t in a fit state to drive or even not gone in at all. He watched in despair as Shaz sank down onto one of the chairs next to the table. She rested her head in her hands. Cautiously Chris stepped forward. “Is there something I can do to show you that I’m sorry”

Shaz shook her head and her shoulders jumped before she furiously choked down a sob. Slowly she lifted her head up. Chris felt his stomach drop as he realised what she was doing. He desperately tried to find his voice “Shaz, please-” he whispered. 

She pushed away from the chair and looked down at her hands. Slowly she slid the engagement ring off her left finger. Choking down another sob she interrupted Chris gently. “I love you, Chris, I really do.” she swiped her hand furiously across her face and stepped forward. “But I just can’t keep doing this. Not now” Carefully she pushed the engagement ring back into Chris’s hand. 

As he clenched his fist around the ring Chris felt oddly calm. “This has been coming for a while hasn’t it Shazzer?” he whispered. 

Shaz didn’t look at him, which answered his question. “I’m sorry Chris” she muttered through sobs “I think you need to go. I just can’t talk about this now.”

A part of Chris didn’t want to go. He wanted her to explain where this had come from. It might have just been the stress of the last few days, if it was they could work through that. If not-, well, he didn’t want to think about that but he wanted what was best for Shaz. If that wasn’t him, that was ok. Slowly he turned around and walked out of the door. As the door shut behind him he could have sworn he heard a sob. Blinking back his own tears he forced himself to keep walking. He didn’t have to walk far before he found himself at the door of a pub. Being midweek it was nearly empty. He walked straight up to the bar and put some notes down before turning to address the barman. “Bottle of Scotch please mate”

~~~~~~~~

Ray cursed at the sound of the doorbell. For the first time in months, he’d found himself ready to sleep at a sensible time. He buried his head back under the duvet and hoped that whoever it was would eventually give up. The doorbell did eventually stop ringing but it was replaced with what sounded like someone kicking the door, accompanied by an instantly recognisable voice. 

“RAY!” Chris hollered through the letterbox “I know you’re in there mate.” He slurred “You’re my best mate.” Internally Ray sighed. He didn’t know why Chris had turned up here. Ray had been more than a bit pissed off with him for crashing the car. Wondering if he could ignore Chris in the hopes that he'd give up. “The one in this shitty world who I know still gives a crap”. Chris punctuated his words with a slap on the door.

Ray bolted upright. Even though he couldn’t see him, he could tell that Chris was absolutely wasted. He never got that drunk normally. Not only that but he had basically been glued to Shaz’s side for the last two months, ever since operation rose. The fact that he was here alone and the state he was in filled Ray’s heart with ice. Forgetting the earlier fight, he threw on a dressing gown and slippers. Marching to the front door of his flat he threw it open. 

Chris almost lost his balance as he went to kick the door. Then he looked up and cheered. “I knew you wouldn’t let me down mate!” he shouted, stepping forward to throw his arm around him before tripping and landing on his stomach.

Ray’s heart dropped as he bent down to help Chris up. He had never seen Chris this drunk before. As he scraped Chris up off the floor he held onto his shoulders, forcing Chris to look him in the eye. “What’s going on mate?” he asked hurriedly, looking past him for Shaz even though he knew she wouldn’t have been there. If she was, she would not have let Chris have that much to drink. Fighting down the rising anxiety he shook Chris gently “Where’s Shaz?”

Chris snorted “Shaz” he raised an unsteady hand and pointed to Ray “Is at home, asleep, not a care in the world” he started, going to take another step and stumbling slightly. 

Ray kept a hold on his arm “Alright. Then why are you here?” he asked “You’ve been essentially joined at the hip for the last two months”

To Ray’s surprise, Chris laughed. Staggering forward he moved so he was holding onto Ray’s shoulders. “She doesn’t love me anymore!” He announced, almost manically.. 

“Ok, now you’re just talking crap” Ray replied. He wasn’t London’s expert on romance but Granger, although she was a stupid plonk, clearly adored Chris and he’d endured many hours over the last two years of listening to Chris prattle on about how Shaz was the love of his life. 

Chris shook his head “Not anymore she doesn’t” he laughed “It wasn’t the corruption that made her call it quits. It was only the fact that I nearly died. Apparently, SHE can’t cope with it and she threw me out! And I think it’s-” Chris stopped and brought a hand to his mouth. 

Ray barely had time to open his mouth to ask what was wrong, let alone move out the way before Chris threw up all over his carpet and slippers. 

~~~~~~  
After dumping Chris on the sofa with a bucket, a glass of water and enough toast to feed the entirety of CID for a month, Ray marched to the phone. This was a step too far, he needed a united team and didn’t want a lover’s tiff disrupting that. Yes, he’d been angry with Chris early, but he’d already decided to apologise to him in the morning. He dialed the number and waited for what felt like hours before she picked up. 

“Hello?”

Ray’s heart sank, the fight going out of him. Shaz’s voice was thick and she was clearly upset. Not only that but similar to Chris there was a telltale slur in her voice albeit not as obvious as Chris’s. He quickly shook himself. “Shaz? It’s Ray” he paused “I was wondering if-”

“Chris isn’t here if that’s who you’re looking for” Shaz interrupted. If Ray hadn’t known better he would have said she tripped up on Chris’s name. 

“I know he’s not there Shaz he’s at mine” he replied, not missing the relieved gasp from Shaz’s end of the phone. “He told me what happened but” he inhaled and spoke quickly “I just wanted to check in on you as well.” It wasn’t a complete lie. He didn’t know how many friends Shaz had outside the station, but he knew that the one person who would have checked on her without fail was currently on life support in London’s finest hospital. 

Shaz sniffed and spoke quietly “I do appreciate you calling, but honestly I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Ray opened his mouth to argue but before he could Shaz finished “I’ll see you at work tomorrow. Bye”. 

Ray sighed as he hung the phone back up. Glancing at one of the only photos he had on the wall he sighed. Viv’s birthday had only been two months ago and already it felt like a lifetime. Glancing at the newly engaged couple in the photo and the broken-hearted man on his sofa Ray found himself wondering if there would ever be a point where CID would be able to fix the damage done by operation rose. First the Guv and Drake, for all their sniping at each other it was clear that they would have put their lives on the line for each other without question. Then Shaz and Chris…In the ten years Ray had known Chris, he knew how much Shaz meant to him and he had eyes. It was clear he meant a lot to Shaz as well. It was a bloody shame Drake wasn’t around, she would know exactly what to say and what to do. A sudden noise from the sofa caught his attention and his heart dropped when he realised what it was. 

Carefully sitting on the sofa next to Chris, Ray gently put a hand on his shoulder. It seemed like Chris hadn’t even noticed but he did speak. “I’ve ruined it mate” he whispered “She was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’ve made a cockup of it” he shook his head and covered his face with his hands, not bothering to try and suppress the sobs that shook his shoulders. 

Ray sighed “You haven’t ruined anything mate” he paused “It’s been a long day, you were both stressed and tired. You can try and sort things out in the morning” he looked at his watch “the best thing you can do now is try and get some sleep. ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's why Chris and Shaz broke up :(.
> 
> I honestly found this chapter really sad to write. I didn't enjoy writing the actual breakup, but this is why I think it happened. 
> 
> As always please leave any thoughts in the comments :)


	7. Days, They've been better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you can't stop things from falling apart, no matter how much you want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone I hope you're all staying safe, 
> 
> Another chapter this evening following the immediate aftermath of the last chapter. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> (Chapter Title - Don't try, Gerard Way)

Ray sighed as he walked into CID alone. He’d told Chris not to come in and even if he hadn’t Chris probably would have said he was too ill. In ten years of knowing Chris, he had never seen him that drunk or that upset and thought it was probably best that he didn’t see Shaz in that state. Shaz was a whole other problem. Ray didn’t do birds getting emotional and although Shaz was basically one of the blokes by this point, she clearly wasn’t alright. If she was she wouldn’t have flipped out at Chris for crashing the car. He spent a few minutes standing between his desk and Shaz’s and decided he would speak to her, as he stepped towards her desk his phone rang. Internally he sighed and turned around, resolving to speak to Shaz as soon as he’d finished this call. Impatiently he picked up the phone and barked “DS Carling CID”

“How are you holding down the fort Raymondo?” Although he hadn’t heard the voice for about two months, there was no mistaking who it belonged to. Ray sank down into his chair, of everyone he’d been expecting to call him there was only one person he’d have expected to call less than the Guv.

He quickly shook off his surprise and found his voice “Guv, what the hell?” he didn’t have the energy to sound angry and even if he did his anger was outweighed by surprise and relief. Relief that the Guv wasn’t gone forever. “Where have you been?” he asked “How have you been? Are we ever going to see you again” His mind was overflowing with questions and he rushed through them, barely giving Gene a chance to get a word in before he caught himself. “Sorry, Guv. One Question at a time” 

Gene didn’t seem phased by Ray’s babbling. “I’ve been keeping my distance Raymondo” he replied, his voice monotonous. Something about it didn’t sit right with Ray, The Guv hadn’t told him to stop yapping either. Before Ray could question it Gene spoke again. “Thought it was best for all of you that I stayed away.” If Ray hadn’t known better it sounded like the Guv was completely sober, a state Ray hadn’t seen him in for many years. He almost missed Gene’s next words “You didn’t tell me how things are going”

Ray felt his stomach drop. He’d been dreading having Guv ask that question. He glanced around CID, taking Shaz’s pale cheeks and red-rimmed eyes that still held the pain from November. Glancing behind him to Chris’s empty desk and across the room to Drake’s desk. He couldn’t lie to the Guv, but equally, he couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth. 

Gene noticed his hesitation “The fact that you stopped to think for that long tells me things aren’t going well” he muttered. Ray opened his mouth to protest but before he could Gene carried on “Just be honest with me Ray.” He took a steadying breath like he was preparing for the worst. 

Ray sighed “Honestly Guv, I don’t know what to tell you” looking around CID again he felt the lead settle in his chest “It doesn’t feel like a team anymore”

Gene was silent for a few seconds before he asked quietly “All good teams stem from good leadership Raymondo. I’m sure you can’t be that bad”

Even though he knew the Guv couldn’t see him Ray shook his head “I’ve ballsed it up Guv. I did right from the start.” he paused, waiting for Gene to say something in response. When he didn’t Ray carried on “There was a split straight away. Me, Chris, Shaz, Viv one side. Everyone else on the other side. It turns out the others still blamed Chris for what happened with Operation Rose. There was a fight the first-” Ray broke off for a second before dropping his voice again “The first Day after King Doug. They only made it up because Chris was a twonk and nearly crashed his car killing us both yesterday.” He tried to sound nonchalant and hoped Gene wouldn’t press it. There was a second of silence before Gene bellowed down the phone

“He did what yesterday?!” Gene’s surprise had contributed to the volume of his voice. He checked himself and brought his voice down several levels. He hadn’t called to yell at Ray. Not when he didn’t deserve it and for once Gene felt that was the case.“I’m surprised it was him that crashed. I would’ve thought Granger would have his organs in a jar for not being safe”

Ray glanced over at Shaz’s desk, where she had sat staring at the same page of a file the entire length of his conversation with the Guv. “They’re strange days Guv. I don’t know what the matter is with Granger but I think Chris might have preferred it if she’d killed him” He cursed at the way his voice caught in his throat. Chris didn’t deserve what had happened yesterday. Then again, neither did Shaz. The strain of the last few months had pushed them both to the edge. 

Gene didn’t comment on Ray’s voice shaking. Ray thought he wasn’t going to speak at all until he said “It’s dangerous, loving a copper. One of the reasons me and my missus didn’t last” Gene’s voice was barely above a whisper now, almost like he was afraid of someone overhearing “But it’s worse when you’re in the force yourself. You know all the worst things that can happen to people, the worst ways to go. You know the job is dangerous and you find yourself waiting for the call. It’s your husband, your fiance and you can’t be any other than professional when it happens.” he sighed “Cartright knew that. The poor lass had to live it. I’m not saying she’s right but I don’t blame Granger if she’s realised she can’t handle it”

Ray felt his throat tighten at the mention of Annie. By unspoken agreement, the three “Manchurian Musketeers” as Terry had named them didn’t talk about anyone in Manchester. Nor did they talk about what had happened to Tyler. He’d been with the Guv when the call had come through about the car, but he’d heard from Chris, who’d been in CID how awful it had been to see Annie’s reaction to the call. Being the stubborn bird she was she’d refused to go home until there had been news, even though she’d apparently fainted. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially not Shaz. For all that he felt like a gooseberry now around the two of them, he couldn’t deny that had made each other happy. The undertones of Gene’s comment hadn’t been lost on him either. Not that either of them would ever have admitted it but the feelings the Guv and Drake had for each other were blindingly obvious to everyone apart from them, it had seemed, until the weeks leading up to operation rose. They had suddenly become much closer in a short space of time. Always together, whispering shit to each other. Then not twenty-four hours before the King Doug job, it had shattered. Guv threw her out of the station threatening her life if she came back. It was out of character for the Guv. It was even more out of character for Ma’am to not fight back. Whatever argument they’d had it had clearly been on a different level. 

Gene noticed Ray’s silence and came to a realisation. “Drake’s still in hospital isn’t she” he sighed. Ray glanced at her empty desk and considered lying but before he could Gene continued “If there’d been good news you would have started with it Raymondo. I was a detective at one point you know?”

The past tense brought a chill to Ray’s heart. “You are still a detective Guv, always will be.” He sighed “Why don’t you come back? I think it would make a difference” he added, truthfully. 

It was a few seconds before Gene spoke again his voice was leaden. “I can’t Raymondo. It’s been too long, I’ve made too many mistakes.”

“But Guv-” Ray opened his mouth to argue but barely got two words out before Gene interrupted him. 

“No arguments Raymondo, I’m running out of change” he took a deep breath “I want you to tell the lads that they are the best team I’ve ever worked with, make sure they don't forget it. Granger’s a smart little plonk. Keep an eye on her, she’s got the brains to make it big” Gene was rushing through his words now “And you and Skelton. My two finest deputies. Keep the streets clean Raymondo.”

Ray inhaled shakily., To him, this sounded like the Guv was saying goodbye. “We will Guv” he promised, and the line went dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed that!
> 
> I'm not sure when the next chapter will go up, (hopefully soon!). 
> 
> I will also post another Alex chapter soon (I haven't forgotten her don't worry)
> 
> As always please leave any thoughts in the comments. :)


	8. Call me a sinner, Call me a saint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rock bottom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> Massive trigger warning for this whole chapter. Suicidal thoughts/suicide attempt and discussions of those two things. This chapter also includes alcohol abuse If that is something that triggers you please feel free to skip this chapter completely (I will put some resources and a summary in the notes at the bottom of this chapter) please stay safe xxx
> 
> The chapter title is from Call Me, by Shinedown

Gene knew calling CID was a mistake, but if there was one thing he’d been good at lately it was making mistakes. Leaving London had been a mistake and he needed to know whether he could ever go back. He knew now that he couldn’t. He thought his heart had already been broken before he’d called, but the pain he felt now was so much stronger, deeper. His heart broke for Chris and Shaz, a young couple who by rights should’ve been on their honeymoon by now. Ray, one of the finest seargents Gene had ever worked with, bearing the weight of the last few months alone. Worst of all Bolly. Beautiful, bonkers Bolly-kecks still lying broken in hospital, because of him. He was their Guv and he had failed them. Allowing his thoughts to wander he realised there were others. Sam and Annie, two of the finest coppers he had ever worked with, he didn’t remember how but he knew he’d lost them. God, they would never have let him get into this mess. Sam would probably have had his head for threatening a fellow officer and Annie might actually have killed him for letting Chris get mixed up with Carnegie. In failing Chris and Alex, he knew he’d failed Annie and Sam. 

As he walked down the road he was barely aware of anything, other than the heaviness in his chest. If anything it had become more intense since his phone call with Ray. It was choking him, sealing his throat but somehow making him nauseous. He hadn’t felt this way for years. Not since his brother had been pulled out of the river in Manchester when he was nineteen. Looking up as he passed a row of shops a plan formed in his mind. It didn’t make him happy, but it didn’t make him sad either. It was just the way it was by now. If this was the price he had to pay for what he’d done to his team, his family, it would be worth it. He couldn’t face the idea that he could hurt someone else as much as he’d hurt people in the past. With his head held high, he walked into the convenience store and headed straight to the alcohol, before moving to the medication. 

He was barely back in his room before he started on the bottles he’d bought and as a result, hadn’t picked up any scotch. Mostly it had been cheap vodka.. As he drank he rummaged in his pocket for his wallet. If he was going to die anywhere close to happy, he wanted it to be surrounded by the people he loved. Not that he’d ever expected it as a copper, nor did he deserve it now, but this was something he couldn’t do without. With unsteady fingers, he unfolded two photographs. The first one. Viv’s birthday. Seeing them all so happy in the picture twisted Gene’s stomach. Less than four months later and things were so different. The second photo was much older. Sam Tyler’s wedding. Gene had been happier then than he’d been on his own wedding day, as much of a bastard as that made him. He wished he’d been better, for Sam’s benefit. For all of their benefit. He momentarily cursed that he didn’t have a picture of his mum or Stuart, not that he wanted to be reminded of his childhood. As he felt the room around him fade, he glanced at the photos and whispered one last apology before everything disappeared. 

~~~~~  
It could have been days or just hours later when Gene came to. At first, all he could see was blinding light. As he blinked a few times he came to realize he was in a hospital room. Not only that but he became aware of someone watching him.

“Ah” began the voice that Gene could now see belonged to a doctor, probably around his age, maybe slightly older. “I see you’re back with us Mister Hunt.” He spoke with a strong accent but his English was nearly perfect. “We were worried about losing you”

Gene merely grunted in reply. He didn’t know how he’d got here when he was sure he’d locked the door of his room, even if someone had suspected something was wrong they shouldn’t have been able to get in. If he’d had more energy he would have asked, but his head was killing him and his chest hadn’t lost its tightness. Not only that but as he took in his surroundings he realised he’d failed. _Again_ . Not for the first time in the last twenty-four hours Gene felt like crying, admittedly out of frustration and embarrassment this time but still. 

The Doctor observed him silently, almost like he was waiting for him to speak. When Gene didn’t say anything the doctor shrugged. “Most people, when they regain consciousness have lots of questions sir.” Gene grunted again to show he was listening “I’m guessing you do too but you don’t feel like talking, which is fine” He pulled up a chair and sat next to Gene’s bed. “I will tell you what you want to know” He leaned forward and picked up the clipboard from the end of Gene’s bed. “Yesterday afternoon you were brought in by ambulance from your hotel after you took too many pills and drank a lot of vodka.”

For the first time Gene sat up and opened his mouth, before he could speak the doctor carried on “A young couple, on their honeymoon were walking down the corridor behind you. They saw you had a lot of alcohol in your bag and were worried about you.. They went back to their room.” Seeing Gene’s look of confusion the doctor added ''Next to yours and were debating what to do when they heard a crashing sound from your room. The young man went to your room and upon finding the door unlocked went in.” He stopped again and took a moment to see how Gene was responding to what had happened, when he got no response he carried on. “He found you unconscious with lots of empty bottles and these” Flicking to the back of the clipboard the doctor lifted out two small square pieces of paper. Gene felt a sob rise in his throat as the doctor turned them around. The photos. The ones he’d kept with him. “His wife began trying to revive you while he ran downstairs to call an ambulance, when it arrived he and his wife made sure the pictures went with you.”

Gene sat in silence as he absorbed the doctor’s words, although he was touched by the kindness of those two strangers, making sure the photos stayed with him he couldn’t ignore the guilt that rose in his chest. He had forgotten to lock the door and because of that he’d probably ruined a young couple’s honeymoon. A young couple who he couldn’t stop thinking of as Chris and Shaz, even though they clearly weren’t. It added to the weight of the guilt in his chest. He was so caught up in thinking about his young couple, he nearly missed the doctor’s next words. 

“I have answered questions I know you had” he began, placing the clipboard on the bedside table. “Perhaps my friend you can answer one question for me”

Gene snorted “That depends on what the question is” he muttered, even though he knew deep down what the doctor was about to ask him.

The doctor held his gaze firmly “Why?” he asked, and before Gene could speak he added quickly “I want the real answer, I have had many men like you in here over the years who have tried to tell me they drank too much by accident” He glanced at the photos before looking back at Gene “you know as well as I do that you didn't do what you did yesterday by accident.” 

For a moment Gene was shocked. He didn’t know how the doctor knew. He guessed it was to do with how long he’d been doing the job, he had an instinct for these things, the same way Gene had an instinct to catch scum. He knew that it was no use lying, but truthfully he didn’t know where to start. Operation Rose and shooting Alex? Knowing that he’d failed Chris by not looking out for him more? Failing to look out for Sam? Or even just the fact that out of a desire to save his own skin he’d abandoned his team when they’d needed leadership most. Without warning, the noxious cocktail of emotions left his mouth in a torrent of anger “Maybe I did it because I’m a bastard who’s only ever going to hurt the people closest to me. I know they’re better off without me. Always were always will be” He sighed “Now is there anywhere in this shithole I can get a bloody drink?” seeing the doctor was about to open his mouth Gene added, “I mean a proper drink, a scotch.”

The Doctor didn’t seem phased by his outburst, he laughed softly “Unfortunately I can’t give you anything but water while you’re on bed rest, Sir.” 

Gene scowled “I don’t bloody see why” he growled “I’m fit as a bloody fiddle”

The doctor picked up his medical notes again and shifted through them without looking at him “Physically that may be true” he sighed “but mentally” he looked up at Gene not finishing his sentence. He didn’t need to. Glancing towards the photos he spoke again “I have an idea” he began quietly, nodding his head towards the photos “Why don’t you tell me about these people, who they were, why they’re so important to you.” Seeing Gene raise his eyebrows the doctor added “If they weren’t important you wouldn’t have had their photos with you.” 

Gene barely held back a sigh, this man was worse than Drake in terms of psycho bollocks. 

The doctor continued when he realised Gene wasn’t going to speak. “Then we can talk about what they would say to you if you told them what you’ve just told me” Gene frowned “What you told me before you said you wanted a drink”

Gene sighed “I don’t want to bloody think about what the boys would say if they could see me like this” he muttered darkly, waving a hand at the photos of Chris and Ray. “They’ve been my deputies for over a decade” He glanced at the photo of Viv’s birthday. “Skipper and that plonk-” he stopped, catching the doctor’s look of confusion “Viv and Shaz.” he clarified, gesturing to each of them in turn “would probably say that I should have come somewhere like this long ago.” He looked down, briefly before looking back at the photo. “Chris and Shaz were meant to be getting married.” He muttered. “I found out yesterday they’ve split up, because of me.” 

The doctor raised his eyebrows. “I’m sure that’s not true” He looked at the photo “You wouldn’t have wanted them to split up would you?”

Gene glared at the doctor “Obviously not” he snapped. He looked at the photo and felt his chest tighten with the same pain he’d felt the previous day, but this time it was coupled with something else. The idea that he could have wanted anything but the best for Chris and Shaz twisted his gut like a knife. How _dare_ Doctor Smug Bastard imply something like that. “I’ve known Chris for years, more than half his life. He’s the-” he broke off, not sure if he could admit what he was thinking but before he knew it the words were out of his mouth “the closest thing I’ve ever had to a son.” He looked at the photo and took a shuddering breath “He made some mistakes, mistaked he wouldn’t have made if I had been there to guide him. Or even if Sam had been”

The doctor nodded and wrote down some notes, before frowning. “Sam?” he began, turning to the photos “Which one is Sam?” 

Gene sighed and picked up the photo from Sam and Annie’s wedding. Pointing to Sam he replied “here.” Turning the photo around briefly to look at it himself “This was his wedding day, June ‘75. He and Annie” The doctor glanced at the photo before nodding “were a soppy pair, but they were clearly made for each other.” Setting the photo down on the bedside he carried on “I reckon Sam-” he broke off and looked down. “Would have agreed with you an’ all. He was probably the closest thing I ever had to a best friend. He was as mad as a hatter but a bloody brilliant copper” 

The doctor glanced up “was? You refer to him in the past tense?” Flicking a page over in his notebook he continued “Do you not speak to him anymore?” he prompted. 

Gene tried to steady his voice “He died, during a chase”, feeling his voice start to catch he furiously cleared his throat “One of them should have been there with him. I should have been there but I wasn’t” He glanced at the photo and nodded slightly. “I felt awful, particularly for his bird Annie. She couldn’t stay in the force after what happened. She moved away and I lost touch with her. I felt bad about it at the time and I still feel bad about it” he sighed “My team were my family and I failed them. I would never have let any of them get hurt if I could help it, but that didn’t mean I didn’t”

The doctor absorbed what he’d said “I believe you. That you didn’t mean to hurt them” he began softly “I have met many _many_ people who do not care about who they hurt and I know you are not one of them” He turned back to the photos, “I notice you’ve talked about everyone but one person”. He picked up the photo and pointed to Alex. 

Gene shook his head “Are you really going to make me talk about her?”. He cursed internally at how weak his voice sounded, but he supposed it was accurate to how Alex made him feel. 

The doctor sighed “I can’t force you to talk about anything, but I’m curious to know who she is and why you don’t want to talk about her.” 

Gene sighed “We worked together” he began “Drake was transferred to my office.” Glancing at the photo he sighed “I’m not sure what she would say if she could see me here.” He met the doctor's eyes for the first time. “I’m not sure if she’d be ready to kill me or if she’d be having the time of her life-” He stopped, noticing the doctor writing something down “Oi!, what are you scribbling?”

The doctor laughed “I have to make notes of your progress Sir, make sure we’re helping you.” He raised an eyebrow “Why would she be having the time of her life?” he asked. 

Gene rolled his eyes “She’s all about the psycho whatsit” he muttered darkly “Never stopped bloody going on about it.” 

The doctor smiled, a knowing smile that twisted Gene’s stomach. Gene braced himself for the question he knew was coming “So,” began the doctor “You and Drake worked together” he raised an eyebrow at Gene “Was that it?”

At that moment Gene had to restrain himself from kicking the smug bastard’s head in. He didn't want to talk about Alex. He didn’t deserve to even say her name after what he’d done to her. He looked down, unable to meet the doctor’s eyes “What the bloody hell do you think” he muttered darkly. “She was out of my league, always was. Always will be”

The doctor reigned in his smile quickly but kept one eyebrow raised “What makes you say that?” He gestured to the photo and Gene stared at him. Handing the photo to Gene he pointed at Shaz and Chris “You see the way Shaz smiles at her lover?” Gene nodded reluctantly, not sure where he was going with this. This Doctor smiled before pointing to Alex. “You see that she smiles at you the same way?”

Gene looked down. He couldn’t let himself believe what the doctor was saying. He found his voice somehow “Even if she did look at me like that, she wouldn’t anymore” 

The doctor didn’t take any notice of his self-deprecation. Instead, he just pushed on “I think, Sir. That you know what I’m saying is right.” Gene turned to face away from him, undeterred he continued “and I think, If you were being completely honest with yourself, you feel the same way” Gene was aware of the doctor shuffling his papers before finishing “I know you said you hurt the people around you and maybe you feel like you hurt Drake-”

“-Alex” Gene interrupted for the first time without turning around, much as he felt like he didn’t deserve to say her name, she didn’t deserve to not be named. It made it seem like she didn’t matter and she did matter. More than anyone. 

The doctor looked up, his professional demeanor slipping for a second giving way to surprise. ”-Alex” he continued slowly “irreparably and now you feel scared to see her again” he sighed “I don’t know if you’re scared she’s still angry, scared she won’t forgive you or scared you’ll hurt her again but I’ll tell you this my friend” he sighed and gently put his hand on Gene’s shoulder ”I can see that you need her back. Regardless of how scary that idea is”

Without another word he stood up and left the room, leaving Gene with a hundred questions and twice as many feelings, none of which made sense to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who didn't read the chapter - After calling Ray in the previous chapter Gene hits rock bottom and ends up in hospital after a suicide attempt. There, he is forced to remember everyone he has left behind and how he feels about the events of series two. 
> 
> If you need help with suicidal thoughts please see the resources below xxxx 
> 
> UK Suicide Hotline - 116 123 (Samaritans - call 24 hours a day for free)  
> \- Text SHOUT to 85285 for 24/7 support over text 
> 
> America - 1-800-273-8255
> 
> Global Resources - (This website has the numbers for a range of countries)  
> https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html
> 
> This is also a link for help with alcohol abuse  
> https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjptYeEmL_tAhXOYcAKHV6sChYQFjACegQIAxAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.drinkaware.co.uk%2Fadvice%2Fsupport-services%2Falcohol-support-services&usg=AOvVaw1KBkhR3Q44gyGOQGGMYmsW


	9. Wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, no matter what you do things just don't feel right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> Sorry, it's been a bit of a while, I hadn't originally planned to have this chapter in the fic but realised it was necessary for the flow of the fic. 
> 
> This chapter is set the day Ray talks to Gene and shows the aftermath. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> (Title is from Torn by Natalie Imbruglia )

For the first time in months, Shaz woke up to a still silence in her flat and a cold emptiness both in the bed next to her and settled in her chest. As she brought her hand up to rub some sleep out of her eyes she became aware of the lightness of her ring finger. Feeling a sob rise up in her chest she dropped her hand. Now the anger had faded. She knew that throwing Chris out was something she hadn’t really thought through, it had been an instinctive response to the pain and anxiety. It was true she didn’t think she could deal with the emotional ups and downs of loving a copper but she wasn’t sure she could deal with the ups and downs of life without Chris by her side. Still, she’d done it now and her mum had always told her that once you’d made a decision you should stick with it, no matter how much it hurt at first.

With a sigh, she dragged herself out of bed. Although she didn’t want to go to work and face Chris or even Ray, she knew that she had no choice. CID had already lost so much in the last few months and even if she was only making tea and binging biscuits round it didn’t sting as much as it used to. It felt like in doing that, she was providing CID with something resembling normality. At least she was doing something. 

It wasn’t that she was angry with the Guv. He’d been in a horrible situation and had clearly been in shock when he’d left the scene, but to tell Ray he wasn’t coming back, not even to say goodbye didn’t sit right with her. She knew that he only thought of her as a stupid plonk and could understand if he couldn’t bring himself to go and see DI Drake, but surely if he gave a much of a toss about Ray and Chris as he claimed to, he owed them a proper explanation and a proper goodbye. It felt like he’d abandoned them with no help, no lifeline. Walking into the kitchen she put the kettle on and sighed, whether she felt ready to or not it was time to face another day. 

~~~~~  
Alex lay in her hospital room, overwhelmed with a crushing sense of grief. She had so wanted to believe that she was home. But there were just so many things wrong with this world that told her she couldn’t have been. As she’d seen more of ‘Molly’ and ‘Evan’ she noticed the changes in their personalities. Small things that shouldn’t even have mattered like Molly picking carrot cake over chocolate cake when the real Molly Drake had always loathed carrot cake. Evan refused to talk about cases with Molly in the room when in the real 2008 Evan had always loved explaining cases to Molly and she’d loved hearing about them. To the point where she had already decided she wanted to be a lawyer when she grew up and that she wanted to do her degree in Manchester. 

_Manchester_ a city that eighteen months ago Alex had no connection to. Now she felt like the city held a piece of her. Three of the most important people in her...Life didn’t feel like quite the right word, but she wasn’t sure what other words she could use. The “Life” she had left behind were from Manchester. She wondered if she did ever get home, whether she’d be able to find any trace of any of them. Of course, she knew about Sam, but what about the rest of them> Were they still out there somewhere? If she did ever wake up she made a promise to herself that she would look for them, all of them. If she could never see them again, she at least wanted to know that they’d lived good lives. They deserved to. 

It didn't seem fair. It felt like she just couldn’t win. Much as she didn’t want to admit it, she’d grown to love the 1980s. The excitement, the danger, how colourful and alive everything was. In “2008” everything felt so clinical, so cold. With a sigh, she fell back onto her bed. It was funny how the tables had turned. When she first arrived in the 1980s, she found herself constantly looking for Molly. Now she found herself constantly looking for her former colleagues who had become her family. She’d see a young couple walking down the street from her window, matching denim jackets and hand intertwined, for a second she’d hope, no believe that it was Chris and Shaz. Although she had mostly kept the television off since the unwanted appearance from Gene, when she did have it on she would look for any detail, no matter how small that CID was still there. Even if they didn’t need her anymore she wanted to know they weren’t just “constructs” as she had insisted on calling them. 

Her thoughts were interrupted when a nurse came into her room. Flashing her a brief smile she retrieved a clipboard from under her arm, “Morning Alex” she chirped, making a note of Alex’s vital signs from the machine next to her. “I’ve got some good news for you!” Her face split into a grin, which Alex tried to mirror. “We’re confident that you’re stable enough to go home” the nurse continued “Although you won’t be able to go back to work for a month and will have to have some psychiatric follow-up sessions”

Alex fought down the groan that rose in her throat. _I thought you said you had good news_ she thought darkly before being hit with another, much more serious thought. Once she was at “home” she would be spending all her time with “Molly”. A constant reminder of what she still couldn’t reach. The thought made her sick to her stomach. Without thinking, she frantically caught the nurse’s sleeve. “I can’t look after her. She needs to be with someone who can think for themselves and look after her properly.” 

The nurse sighed and put a comforting hand on her shoulder “I understand” her tone was kind but she couldn’t disguise the confused frown forming on her face and only a few seconds passed before she asked, “What is it that’s making you feel that way?”

Alex fought down the frustration rising in her chest. She knew that whatever she said now would make her sound insane or like a terrible mother, neither of which was what she wanted. “I know that I am not in a good headspace. I’m a psychologist and I can tell I’m still in trauma.” She inhaled, her voice shaking slightly “I won’t be any kind of good mother in this state.”

The nurse nodded sympathetically “I understand Alex. I really do” She looked at Alex’s notes briefly. “And if you believe that you aren’t in a position to look after Molly, she can stay with a guardian appointed by you”. She paused and Alex sensed there was a catch coming. This was confirmed when the nurse sighed and continued “But if you’re concerned for your own wellbeing we can’t discharge you without someone to look out for you”

Alex was surprised, _was that it?_ she thought. She barely had to think about her reply “That’s ok. Molly has her dad. I have Evan, we’ll be fine.” Her own confidence surprised her, given that she expected the nurse to laugh and tell her not to be ridiculous. 

Instead, the nurse smiled “Not a problem, we can sort that out. I just need to make a few phone calls”. She opened the door but before leaving she turned around “I’ll come back when it’s all sorted.” Without another word she left the room. 

Alex lay back on the pillows. She should have felt bad about what she had just done but for some reason, she didn’t. Whether it was instinctively she knew she wasn’t at home. There was surely no hospital in the world that would accept what she had just said. Or that she knew she was taking control of her situation for the first time in what felt like years. If she was alone at least she’d be able to think through her situation and find some kind of solution, because if Alex Drake was good at anything, in real life or an alternate universe, it was finding a solution. 

~~~~~  
Ray felt like he’d barely shut his eyes before his alarm clock started blaring at him from the side of his bed. Cursing he threw a hand out of bed and slapped it off. Climbing out of bed he shook himself and dragged a shirt out of his wardrobe. The way he’d done every morning for the last three months. Stumbling into the kitchen he suddenly tuned in to the sound of someone else in the flat. It took a brief second before he remembered the events of the night before, as he connected the dots his heart sank. Filling the kettle, he put it on before slowly making his way to the sitting room, where Chris was still asleep. It was clear as Ray looked at him that he hadn’t slept peacefully. He looked like as he slept he was unable to forget the argument that had passed between him and Shaz. Hearing the kettle flick off he sighed and turned back to the kitchen. 

Stirring three sugars into the mug of coffee he sighed and picked it up, along with the tea he had made for himself. As he walked into the living room he cleared his throat. “Morning you twonk” he muttered softly, placing the coffee in front of Chris, who didn’t give any indication that he was alive other than to grunt. Ray shook his shoulder gently before carrying on. “Listen, mate. I think you should stay here today. You won’t be any use to us in CID with the hangover you’ve got.”

Chris grunted in reply and shifted back under the pile of blankets Ray had found him last night. “I don’t think I can ever go back mate” he muttered, his voice muffled. 

“Don’t be ridiculous” Ray scoffed “Of course you can come back, you might be a twonk, but you’re a twonk who can solve crimes” He patted the lump of blankets where Chris’s shoulder was. “Can’t be doing without my best mate can I?” he asked, desperately trying to lighten the mood as the reasoning for Chris’s outburst dawned on him. 

Chris sighed and sat up to look him in the eye “Do you really think anyone wants me there apart from you.” Ray opened his mouth to argue but before he could Chris carried on “I know the others hate me for operation rose and I know I’ll never be able to undo that. I made my mistakes and I’ll have to live with them. I could live with that but now-” his voice cracked and for a horrible moment Ray thought he was going to start crying, the moment passed though and he carried on “I’ve lost three of the people who’ve fought my corner no matter what. Possibly four if Viv takes Shaz’s side, which isn’t unlikely given how inseparable they’ve become.” He looked down at his hands and shook his head. 

In nearly ten years of being Chris’s friend, Ray had never seen him like this. Once again he found himself wishing he was the Guv or Drake. Either of them would handle the situation better. He sighed and put his hand back on Chris’s shoulder “I know it hurts mate, but I promise you, this is the worst it will feel.” He was bullshitting and Chris could probably tell, but he didn’t comment on it. “If you want to take the day off that’s ok. You can stay here if you want. I haven't got much in the way of food but anything I have got you can eat”. Ray looked down at his watch “I’d better go, sorry mate. I’ll be back later”. 

Chris nodded and let his head fall back onto the pillow. Ray patted his shoulder again before standing up. Taking his mug back to the kitchen he glanced back into the sitting room. It was clear to him that Chris wasn’t in the best frame of mind and Ray was doubtful about whether leaving him was a good idea, but he was aware that he didn’t have much choice. That didn’t mean he couldn’t try and look out for Chris, even when he wasn’t here. Carefully, so he didn’t make unnecessary noise, he opened the cutlery draw and began picking out anything Chris could potentially use as a weapon. Ray was mostly sure Chris wouldn’t do anything drastic but not sure enough that he was prepared to take that risk. Chucking them into the bottom of his wardrobe he stuck his head back into the living room. “I’m off now mate, I’ll be back later, alright”

Once again Chris didn’t speak but grunted to show that he’d heard, Ray sighed and left the flat without looking back. 

~~~~~~~  
Throwing the door of CID open, Ray started to march to his desk but stopped short when he caught sight of Shaz. He had thought Chris had looked rough when he’d left the flat, but looking at Shaz, he thought she looked worse than Chris did. Chris had mostly looked hungover, but Shaz... Shaz looked like she’d had the world ripped out from under her and she was barely hanging on. 

He decided he would go and have a word with her., He wasn’t sure he’d be much help but at least he could at least try. Being with the Guv for ten years had taught him that a good leader looked after his team, even when they didn’t appreciate it. He took a step towards Shaz’s desk but stopped short when his phone rang.  
~~~~~

Shaz blinked, trying to make sense of the statement in front of her. Glancing up she noticed that most of her colleagues had pushed their mugs to the far end of their desk, something she took as a sign they were ready for refills. 

On autopilot, she stood up and made the loop around CID collecting empty mugs. She had become good at avoiding looking at both Ma’am’s desk and the door to the Guv’s office. What she hadn’t considered was the desk belonging to the third missing member of the team. 

As she made her loop from Bammo’s desk to Ray’s desk she stopped short. Twenty-four hours ago the idea of stopping at Chris’s desk would have made her smile. No matter how busy the day had been, no matter what case they were working on Chris always made the effort to smile at her or squeeze her hand as she walked past. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. A reminder that they were still going, they were surviving another day and it didn’t matter what came because they would survive it together. Furiously choking down the lump in her throat she glanced at the photo on Chris’s desk. Before yesterday it had been a photo that always made her smile, her and Chris at Luigi’s, the night they’d got engaged. Thinking back to how naive she had been _back then_ twisted her heart. Back in the days where they had all believed that their superiors were invincible and that Fenchurch East CID would always be a team. A team that would never be broken apart. Shaking herself she continued on her journey around CID to Ray’s desk. 

She hadn’t missed the concerned glances he’d been throwing her way for most of the morning. Nor had she missed his behavior during the mysterious phone call he took, so she wasn’t hugely surprised when Ray picked up his own mug and followed her to the kitchen with a quiet “Don’t worry Shaz, you’ve got your hands full.” 

When they reached the kitchen, Shaz set the mugs down and turned around. “What is it Ray?” she asked, raising an eyebrow, “We all know you lose the use of your legs when it’s time to take your mug to the kitchen at the end of the day, so what’s happened that’s made you magically decide you can walk to the kitchen yourself?” She knew she was being snarky with him and she didn’t really have justification unless self-defense counted. Instinct told her that he was about to ask her about why she’d thrown Chris out and truth be told she really didn’t want to talk about it. 

Ray took a few seconds to breathe before confirming her suspicions “About what went down between you and-” 

“Look Ray I know he’s your best mate and you’re my superior but honestly-” Shaz interrupted furiously before a sob rose up in her throat, cutting her off. Inhaling a few times and clearing her throat she carried on “I don’t want to talk about it. At least not now.” She sighed and looked down, knowing there was little to no chance of Ray letting it go.

To her surprise, Ray didn’t push the issue, although he didn’t let it pass without comment. He leaned against the worktop and sighed “I think you should talk to Chri-” he began before meeting Shaz’s eyes, if looks could kill CID would have become a bigger shitheap than it already was, given that the next most senior person after Ray was nursing a spectacular hangover and probably swearing off alcohol forever. Shrugging he carried on “I’m sorry I know it’s none of my business and you don’t want to talk about it.”

Although Shaz didn’t speak, her expression softened ever so slightly and she relaxed slightly. When Ray didn’t speak she raised an eyebrow “So?”. 

Ray sighed “That phone call I took earlier”, Shaz nodded and turned to flick the kettle on before turning back to Ray, who glanced over his shoulder to check none of their colleagues were in danger of coming to the kitchen. When he was sure they wouldn’t be interrupted he dropped his voice. “Guv” He muttered. He didn’t need to say any more than that. 

Shaz gasped loudly before instinctively bringing her hand up to her mouth and glancing past Ray to CID. When it became apparent no one had heard him she caught Ray’s arm “Oh my God, where is he? What the hell has he been doing are we ever going to see him again-” She broke off when Ray held a hand up. She looked down “Sorry” she muttered. “I’d just assumed we’d never hear from him again”

Ray pressed his lips together “I felt the same- feel the same.” Shaz glanced up again, a confused frown forming on her face. Ray busied himself with making the tea, suddenly unable to meet Shaz’s gaze. “It just seemed so final” he muttered, pressing the teabag against the side of Terry’s mug. “He told me that he’s made too many mistakes to come back, but that this team” he gestured over his shoulder and then to Shaz “was the best that he’s ever worked with and that he didn’t want us to forget it”

Much to her own horror, Shaz felt her eyes fill with tears. “Did he say anything else? Did you say anything” she whispered already knowing the answer. 

Ray shook his head “He called from a payphone and told me he was running out of change. I bloody wish I’d said something else” 

This time it was Shaz who shook her head “If I know Guv, he wouldn’t have let you get a word in.” She laughed softly “probably thought that if you did you’d start arguing” She tried to smile but felt it vanish almost as soon as it had formed. The implication of what Ray had told her about the phone call and the Guv’s behavior hung in the air like a storm cloud. She met Ray’s eyes and a quiet understanding passed between the two of them. As far as they were concerned they were on their own. They couldn’t keep waiting for the Guv and Ma’am to come back. It wasn’t helpful to them or to the public. They had a job to do, picking up the tea mugs between the two of them, they headed back into CID.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as promised, we've caught up with Alex.
> 
> I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up (hopefully soon) but if it isn't posted in the next five days happy holidays! I hope you're all staying safe and well. 
> 
> As always please leave any thoughts in the comments :) xx


	10. It's always darkest before the dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things have to get worse before they can get better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, Happy new year!
> 
> Sorry it's been a while, I struggled a little bit with writing this chapter, but it's done now and so is the chapter that will follow this. 
> 
> Chris's perspective follows on from Ray and Shaz in the last chapter. Gene's perspective is a few days later :)
> 
> The title is from shake it out by Florence and the Machine

Chris paced around Ray’s living room, trying to clear his head. Even though he had now sobered up he couldn’t understand how things had got so bad between him and Shaz. It had seemed that even a week ago they had been fine. He found himself wondering how long she’d been thinking about breaking up with him, perhaps it hadn’t been a heat of the moment decision like he’d told himself last night. What if she’d never wanted to get engaged to him in the first place. The thought made his blood run cold. 

With a sigh, he pulled himself up off the sofa and made his way to the kitchen. As he filled up his glass at the tap, he thought about the previous day. He’d been an idiot and he knew that. He hadn’t regretted staying up talking to Shaz, he wasn’t lying to her when he had said he was always there. He just wished he’d done things differently when he got to the station, telling Ray he hadn’t been in a fit state to drive or even not going in at all. It twisted his stomach that a moment of thoughtlessness had cost him the best relationship he’d ever had. 

Walking back to the living room he stopped and looked at the photo Ray had on the wall. Viv’s birthday. The photo twisted his stomach with grim nausea. He was already a traitor when that picture was taken. The Guv had been right, he was a traitor. To the force, to Ray, to Shaz. As long as he lived he would never allow himself to forget the way CID had looked at him that day. The way Shaz had looked at him. All things considered, it was really a surprise that Shaz hadn’t chucked him out sooner. Looking away from the photo he moved to sit back down on the sofa, burying his head in his hands like that could wipe the memories and all the ugly emotions they stirred up from his mind.  
~~~~  
He hadn’t realised how long he’d been sat on the sofa until the sound of a key in the front door caught his attention. Standing up he made as if to walk down the hall but only made it a few steps before Ray walked into the living room. They exchanged a brief look before Ray nodded his head towards the kitchen. “Cuppa?” he asked.

Chris nodded “Go on then, ta.”

Ray turned and walked into the kitchen, his quiet demeanor unsettling Chris. Ray was never this quiet. Not when they were hanging out anyway. He nearly asked what was wrong but before he could Ray spoke. “So.” He inhaled and straightened up “The Guv called today” he muttered, almost casually. His tone was a stark contrast to the bombshell he had dropped. Chris gasped 

“What did he say?” he asked quickly. Although he had originally planned to bombard Ray with questions about Shaz, they mostly left his mind. None of them had heard from the Guv for months and truthfully, Chris hadn’t been expecting to hear from him again. Maybe ever. 

Ray didn’t speak for a few moments and kept his back to Chris while making the tea. It was only when he picked up the mugs and turned to go back to the living room when he replied “He said we were the best team he’s ever worked with.” 

Although Chris couldn’t immediately place it, he could sense that there was a darker side to what the Guv had said. Swallowing he glanced at Ray “Was that all he said?” he began nervously “He didn’t say anything about coming-”

“No” Ray interrupted, setting the two mugs down on the coffee table. “It wasn’t all he said but he didn’t say anything about coming home.” Taking a seat on the sofa Ray began to bounce his leg slightly “He said he probably wasn’t going to come back. That he’d made too many mistakes here.” He paused for a moment, taking in Chris’s shock “There was just something so final about it” he sighed, rummaging in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. Holding the packet out to Chris he glanced around the room before looking down “I think, truthfully he might’ve come back if Drake had recovered, or had even shown any sign that she might.” he pulled out his lighter and lit his cigarette, before leaning over and lighting Chris’s “He said some strange thing about it being dangerous loving a copper-” he broke off, realising what had lead to the Guv saying that. He looked down again, hoping Chris hadn’t picked up on it. He cursed himself for being so tactless, but to his surprise, Chris seemed calm.

“You told him what happened then” he sighed, taking a drag of his cigarette “between me and Shaz?”

Ray nodded “I did” he confirmed. “Not really intentionally to be honest. He asked how things were going and it just kind of came out” He picked up his tea mug and took a sip. “He’s sorry about what happened. We all are.”

Chris stubbed out his cigarette and looked at the ground “Thanks mate but-” he broke off and inhaled shakily “It wasn’t Shaz’s fault, I was a twat yesterday-” His voice cracked again and he quickly leaned forward and picked up his tea, hoping to disguise it. “I can’t blame her for being angry.” Chris set his mug back on the table and looked at the floor. 

Ray felt his heart twist, after spending a day in CID with an emotionally overwhelmed Shaz, it was tough to then come home to his heartbroken best friend. He didn’t understand how two people who had been so happy such a short time ago could end up so distant from one another. Sighing, he leaned over and patted Chris on the shoulder “Just give Shaz some time” he muttered in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. “It’s been a tough few months for everyone, I think she maybe just needs some space. I’m sure you two will be able to work something out” He held his breath, hoping what he had said had helped, without giving Chris too much hope. 

After what felt like hours Chris looked up “You’re right” he muttered, nodding his head with an air of trying to convince himself as much as Ray. 

~~~~~  
Gene lay in his hospital bed. It could have been weeks after he’d arrived, or maybe just days. His room got barely any natural light and as a result keeping track of time was damn near impossible. 

A knock at the door brought the return of Doctor Smug Bastard, as Gene had christened him. He could have given Bolly-kecks a run for her money with the amount of psychobabble he spouted, but in fairness to the man he had come to see Gene every day and in doing so had forced Gene to confront some pretty ugly truths about himself. Not three days ago he’d sat down and simply said “Tell me about leaving Manchester.”

He’d considered telling the bastard to piss off and mind his own, but the last few days had taught him that wouldn’t get him anywhere. Similarly to Bolly, he seemed incapable of just dropping something once the idea was in his head. SIghing Gene had talked about losing Sam and how responsible he’d felt. He told Smug Bastard about Sam being one painful memory too many for one place. He’d wanted to get away desperately, but that hadn’t erased the guilt he’d felt saying goodbye to Phyllis and Annie. As he’d talked the guilt bloomed in his chest again. Although he’d offered Annie a place on his new team he should have done more. 

Doctor Smug Bastard cleared his throat, drawing Gene back to the present. Sighing, he sat up. “What would you like to know today” he muttered darkly. He knew there was a major factor that they hadn’t talked about, but Gene was planning on avoiding it for as long as possible. He’d thrown out every bit of backstory he could to keep Doctor Smug Bastard at bay. Operation Rose, Leaving Manchester, even talking about life at home with his abusive alcoholic father, something he’d never really talked to anybody about. 

Smug bastard smiled and gestured to the photographs on the bedside table. Gene fought down a groan as he realised he could put off the conversation any longer. Picking up the photo smug bastard held it out to him. Viv’s birthday _of course_. Ever since he’d pointed out the way Alex was looking at him Gene had found his gaze drawn to the photo more and more frequently. It wasn’t that he thought the doctor was right, he still believed that the man was stranger than anyone he had ever met, which was saying something when he considered some of the people he’d met. The thing that drew his attention to the photo was the way he was looking at Alex. He would have denied it had anyone else brought it up, but he realised he was looking at Alex the way Chris was looking at Shaz. 

Truthfully, he wasn’t surprised. He didn’t believe in any of that airy-fairy _Love at first sight_ bollocks. Although he’d always known Alex was beautiful, he never really thought any more about it. It had nothing to do with his feelings, it was just a fact. The protectiveness he had felt towards her since she’d stumbled into his life in those ridiculous red shoes and had remained for the following months he had put down to his desire to protect damsels in distress. 

When that changed it came as a shock to him. It had been a mostly ordinary day, as ordinary as a day in CID could be until Alex had not only dragged them into a bloody sewer but despite her promise that the tunnel they were in was out of use he had still somehow ended up with shit on his boots. To make up for it she had at least agreed to clean them for him. _To bloody right_ he’d thought at the time. She’d disappeared up to her flat, shit-covered boots in hand and he had moved to their usual corner of Luigi’s. He hadn't seen her come in and had only become aware of her when she’d pulled out the chair opposite him, a brilliant smile on her face. 

He’d felt his own face pull into a smile as she’d caught his eye, a strange feeling settling in his chest, for want of a better word he would have said it was euphoria, or something very similar, if less intense. At that moment he realised he didn’t want to be anywhere else, or with anyone else. At that moment, he felt belonging Even when she opened her mouth to begin talking nonsense, as she so often did for the first time he hadn’t felt the need to tell her to shut up. He had acknowledged what she’d said lightly, with some offhand comment about it being a phase he’d expected her to move past before reminding her that she took her orders from him. Or rather she was supposed to. It rarely happened.

After that things seemed to shift between the two of them. They had suddenly become caught up in the corruption infesting Fenchurch East and at a time when nothing felt certain they had known that they could rely on each other. He’d trusted her enough to not test her when he tested the other members of the team. She’d been the one person he’d wanted to be with after he’d realised Chris was the traitor. 

She hadn’t tried to cheer him up or reassure him that things would be ok. She’d just agreed with him that life was shit, but they still had a job to do. Oddly that had made him feel better, better than anything else she could have done. He pushed a glass of wine into her hand and made a toast, feeling his chest ease slightly as he did so. 

_You and me Bolly, you and me_

He’d let her down the next day. She had never been anything other than square. She was honest and had never given anyone any reason to believe she wasn’t. Apart from that tape. He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. Somehow it had hurt more than all the insults she’d hurled at him during arguments over the last eighteen months. The cold, calculated way she’d spoken on those tapes was a stark contrast to the insults, most of which had been thrown his way in the heat of an argument, not unreasonably. 

Maybe he should have given her more of a chance to explain herself, but at the moment he had just been too angry, to hurt. Throwing her out of CID had been a mistake, threatening her had been an even bigger mistake. But what twisted his heart more than anything was that after everything, he’d never told her he was sorry. Sorry for being so dismissive of her when she’d actually been right all along about Operation Rose, sorry for accusing her of corruption. More than sorry for shooting her. 

~~~~  
Finally tearing his gaze away from the photo he looked over at Doctor Smug, who was flicking through some notes. Sensing Gene’s eyes on him he looked up. “Yes?” he inquired politely. 

For a moment Gene considered saying nothing. It would be the first time he’d even admitted it to himself. He looked back down at the photo and decided to bite the bullet. “Alex-” he began, before realising he didn’t know how to vocalise what he was feeling. He found the words spilling out of his mouth before he could stop them. “She means-” He caught himself. If his conversation with Ray was anything to go by, he knew it was unlikely he’d ever see Alex again. He swallowed before carrying on “meant everything to me, more than anyone I’ve ever met.” 

The Doctor nodded, a smile forming on his face that he quickly tried to smother, but not before Gene saw it. 

“Oi!” He bellowed “What are you smiling about?” He had an idea of what Doctor Smug Bastard might say, but that didn’t mean he had to be happy about it. Scowling, he turned back to face him.

“Nothing my friend” Doctor quickly tried to reassure him “It’s just I don’t think I have ever seen you this honest with yourself” He shuffled some papers on his clipboard “It’s one of the hardest things to admit to, love.” he remarked, looking from the photo to Gene. “My only question is, what went wrong?” Gene opened his mouth to protest before the doctor quickly added “I told you, I’ve seen the way she looks at you” He gestured to the photo “You both look so happy here” 

Gene sighed as he tuned out what the doctor was saying. _blah blah. Confront your feelings. Blah Blah Lying to yourself blah blah_ Then one word caught his attention “guilt”

He snapped his head up and glared “What did you just say?” He snapped. 

Doctor looked up in surprise. “I said guilt my friend” he sighed. Writing something down on his clipboard, he looked back up at Gene “You clearly still feel guilt. Maybe not so much about the others” he nodded his head towards the photographs “But definitely about her, so what happened?” 

Gene looked down, biting down his instinctive response of _No bloody shit sherlock. I think guilt is the normal reaction after you accidentally shoot one of your team_ realising it would do no good as he hadn’t actually admitted what he’d done. Not only that, but he didn’t really want to give the bastard the satisfaction of being right. Of finally having all the answers. He got that enough from Alex. He glanced back at the doctor and decided to just tell him. “I hurt her. Badly. I should have trusted her and I didn't. I should have looked out for her and I didn’t-” He felt his chest tighten as he thought about Operation Rose. Not able to meet the doctor’s eyes he whispered “and because of that she got hurt, badly.”

Doctor Smug tutted sympathetically “So your relationship became frayed and something happened to her before you had the chance to make it right?”

Gene nodded. Not quite trusting himself to speak. He was vaguely aware of the doctor patting his arm and was about to tell him to _pack that shit in pronto tonto_ but before he could the doctor spoke again. “It happens to many people Mr. Hunt and some don’t get the chance to put it right” He paused as Gene’s head snapped up, “You said she was hurt?”

“Yes” Gene snapped, suddenly aware of where the conversation was going and that he wasn’t alright with that. 

Not to be swayed Doctor smug bastard continued “Pain is temporary my friend. As is anger” he looked back at the photo, “I think you need to set your pride aside. If you can, it could make all the difference.” Without another word, he stood up and left Gene’s room. 

Gene watched him leave and fell back onto the pillows. The man didn’t always talk sense, but for the first time since his arrival, he felt a sense of calm purpose. Picking up the photo from Viv’s birthday, he studied it. At that moment, seeing his team united, he made a decision about what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please leave any thoughts in the comments :)


	11. I'll take that if that's all you're asking for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Best to lose a lover and keep a friend - Doris Lessing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you're all staying safe and well. 
> 
> This is just a short kind of fluffy chapter 
> 
> Thank you as always to Flirteenth Doctor for beta reading this :)
> 
> (Chapter title is from SUGAR (remix) by BROCKHAMPTON and Dua Lipa)

It had been a quiet day in CID. Most of them had been quiet since Shaz had thrown Chris out. Naively Chris had thought that maybe she would have calmed down after a few days, but it had been over a week and she had barely said a word to him. That was until earlier today when she’d shyly approached his desk and placed a cup of tea down on it. 

“I’m sorry” she whispered, looking everywhere but at Chris. “Can we talk?”

Chris nodded without thinking about it and quickly pulled his jacket off the back of his chair. Holding the door open for Shaz he nearly wrapped an arm around her, the way he would have done when they were still together, but caught himself quickly. As they walked into the January sun he glanced at Shaz, who hadn’t spoken. Steeling himself he broke the silence between them by shrugging a shoulder and asking “Luigi’s?”. 

Shaz nodded. She hadn’t been back since she had broken up with Chris, but she knew the lads had still been going most evenings. Luckily, there was still about three hours before the rest of CID would descend, so she’d have some time to properly talk to Chris. 

As they crossed the road to the restaurant, Chris became aware of Shaz looking at him. Her face was neutral but there was a strange look in her eye. A look that Chris had never seen there before in the three years they had been together. It was a quiet sadness but mixed with something else. Determination maybe. 

~~~~~~~~

Luigi was clearly surprised to see them. He fussed over them quite a lot but didn’t make any of his usual comments about how much of a beautiful couple they were, which Shaz was grateful for. He brought over their drinks himself for disappearing back into the kitchen. 

Chris took a sip of bitter and glanced at Shaz. He waited for her to speak and when it became clear she wasn’t going to, he cleared his throat. “What did you want to talk about bab-” he quickly caught himself “Shaz.” he paused, checking she hadn’t noticed his slip up. If she did notice she didn’t comment on it. “You’ve clearly got something on your mind and I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.” Shaz still didn’t speak so Chris quickly added “As a friend I mean. I know-” he broke off and took a breath before carrying on “I know that you said you needed space and a break and I have to respect that.”

Shaz sighed and looked down into her water “I’m sorry Chris, I know that being friends isn’t what you want-” she felt her voice catch slightly in her throat. 

“Don’t apologise Shazzer.” Chris interrupted gently. “You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. I’d be honoured to have you as a friend” It wasn't a complete lie. It was true that friendship wasn’t what he wanted. Two months ago she’d been about to become his wife and truthfully he still wanted her, but he had missed her enough in the past week. If it was a choice between having her as a friend and not having her at all he knew it was no contest. 

For the first time, Shaz looked up “If it will hurt you too much, you don’t have to do this” she whispered. “I’ve already hurt you enough Chris”

Chris shook his head “I wouldn’t want to hurt you, but if you still want me in your life I will be here.” He tried to put an arm around Shaz from across the table, nearly knocking Shaz’s glass over in the process. Shaz rolled her eyes good-naturedly and walked around to Chris’s side of the table. Chris stood up and smiled, pulling her into a hug. 

As she pulled back, Shaz stood on her tiptoes and gently kissed Chris’s cheek. “Thank you” she whispered, before glancing at her watch “Shit, we’d better go back before Ray thinks he’s lost us as well”

Chris allowed Shaz to hook her arm through his and lead him back across the road to the station. It would be lying to say that he hadn’t been heartbroken when Shaz had left him. For the first time since, he had felt a glimmer of hope that they could maybe find some kind of new normal, as friends. He decided that would be a good thing, for both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> As always please leave any thoughts in the comments :)


	12. I always say how I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back to this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It wasn’t that he didn’t care, it was just he couldn’t bring himself to admit how much of a failure he had been._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> I hope you are all staying safe and well. Sorry it's been a while since the last update but my Uni term has started again so I've had quite a lot of work. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> (Title is from Please Don't Leave Me by P!nk)

Ray fought down a groan as he looked out through the panels of the office to CID. It still felt wrong, sitting on the throne that belonged to the Guv. He had tried to refuse the offer to move into the office, or move into another one elsewhere in the station but acting DCI Timmons had insisted and Ray didn’t have the heart to argue. At least it kept him close to his team. 

_His_ team. That’s what they were now. He knew he wasn’t the Guv, much as he might like to think he was. And he certainly wasn't Drake. Something until recently he’d been very glad about. She was a good leader, and a good copper, more than worthy of the rank she held. Not that he would have admitted it had anyone asked him, but on several occasions over the last few weeks he had found himself asking _What would Drake say_ or _What would Drake do_. Mostly when trying to talk to Shaz. Looking out across CID he believed it had helped Chris and Shaz more than anything else he could have done. 

He’d seen the two of them speak more that day than the entire rest of the week since they’d split up but there was still fragility in the atmosphere of CID. Although he had felt able to speak to both of them, the apologetic glances the other members of CID had sent across the room to whichever of the pair they weren’t talking to hadn’t gone unnoticed. If he was lucky enough with timing to have a moment where both Chris and Shaz were out of the room he decided he would say something to the others. If Chris and Shaz could still speak to each other normally after what he knew hadn’t been an easy experience the others, who hadn’t even been involved bloody well could. 

“Ray?” 

Viv’s voice drew him out of his thoughts, he looked up to see him leading a couple into CID. Both of them looked like they'd had the world dragged out from under them. Shaking himself he stepped forward. “DI Carling” he began, making an effort to keep his head up as he held his hand out “What’s going on?”

~~~~~~~

Ray sighed and lit up a cigarette. He couldn’t believe he’d actually come here. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, it was just he couldn’t bring himself to admit how much of a failure he had been. Cliched though it was he knew that CID would have fared much better over the last three months if he and Drake had swapped places, or even if drake and the Guv had swapped places. For all the talk about birds being over-emotional he just couldn’t see Drake losing her shit the way, the Guv had done. She also would probably never have threatened to kill him out loud, which would have helped her case, but also she was tough, for a bird. Ray couldn’t believe she’d fall apart the way the Guv had. Carefully he pushed open the door to her room and went in. 

He’d only been to the hospital once before, not counting the day of the shooting. As he had stood outside he’d hoped there would be some visible change in Alex’s condition, but as he walked into the room he knew that had been a fantasy. She looked the same as she had done the last time he’d arrived. If maybe slightly thinner. 

With a sigh, he pulled the chair that had been left there closer to the bed. As he sat down he began to bounce his leg. He’d heard through Shaz several weeks ago that the bleeding in her gut had finally stopped, that any day she could wake up, it was just a waiting game but so far she hadn’t shown any signs of being closer. 

As he ran over what he’d wanted to say to her, what he _needed_ her to hear. To respond to he found himself unconsciously reaching for her hand. As his hand brushed the edge of the blankets he suddenly realised what he was doing and snatched his hand back, opting instead to run his hand through his hair. 

~~~  
As he carefully closed the door behind him he sighed. He felt like it was hopeless. Although no one had ever seen Drake’s daughter it was easy enough to believe she was a mother, with the way she looked after people. If she had heard about what was going on with Dorothy Blonde he wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d woken up and gone straight to CID herself. 

He looked down and tried to light his cigarette. Momentarily preoccupied he hadn’t noticed the other person coming down the corridor until he walked into them. 

“Sorry mate-” he began, before getting a proper look at who the person was “Chris?” He spluttered “What are you doing here?”

Chris patted him on the shoulder and smiled “No worries mate.” Although it was nowhere near his usual beam it was the happiest Ray had seen him in a long time. He held out a melon and waved it in front of Ray’s face “I was just going to visit Ma’am”.

Ray scowled and batted the melon away “Give over you twonk” he muttered, feeling his face pull into a frown. 

Chris noticed Ray’s frown and his smile dropped. “What’s up?” he asked, concern flitting across his face. Although Ray hadn't said anything, his demeanor caused Chris’s heart to sink. He knew it was irrational, that if something bad had happened to ma’am Ray would have said, would have called him from the hospital before he’d set off even, but that didn’t stop the panic that briefly took hold in his chest. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

Ray caught sight of the panic on his face and shook his head “Don’t worry” he sighed “It’s just that nothing has changed.”

Chris nodded sadly and lowered the melon. He was vaguely aware of Ray muttering something to him but not really registering it until Ray had walked away. With a sigh, he turned back to Alex’s room. 

As he opened the door he felt strangely calm. There had been several times over the last few months where he had briefly seen Alex through the door, mostly when he’d come to meet Shaz at the hospital, and would be lying if he said there hadn’t been some occasions he was scared she wouldn’t still be there when they got back the next day. Being at the hospital made the weight on his shoulders all the more present. He tried not to think about it, but deep down he knew he was responsible for Alex being there after she’d done so much to help him, even after she’d found out he was a traitor. Because of him, she’d been put in the line of fire. 

He set the melon down on the table at the side of the bed and sighed. He’d planned to avoid talking about the station as it would have meant facing up to the reality of what had been left behind after operation rose. What was left of the mess he was responsible for. But when it came to it, he couldn’t stop himself. 

It was true that they’d managed to function, even solve cases but something about the Dorothy Blonde case had rattled all of them. For the first time, they had felt completely adrift, not even knowing where to start. He’d told her as such, in the hopes that maybe, somewhere she’d hear them. 

~~~~  
Throwing her coat over the chair Shaz sighed as she took in Alex’s hospital room. She’d tried to visit a couple of times a week since Alex had been shot, but since splitting up with Chris she had been every single day. To her, the room looked unchanged. Save the smashed melon on the floor. 

As she bent down to clean it up she felt the all too familiar prickle at the back of her eyes. Straightening up she brushed off her jeans and sat down. Biting her lip she blinked furiously as she reached for her superior’s hand. Alex had changed her life, there was no doubt about that. She’d always seemed so strong, resilient like nothing would break her. Shaz thought about everything CID had faced since she’d arrived and how every time they had survived. 

She just hoped they could survive this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed that chapter, hopefully, the next chapter will be up soon!
> 
> As always please leave any thoughts in the comments! 
> 
> (and thank you to my fab beta reading Flirteenth Doctor!)


	13. All the things I should've said that I never said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It turns out, Sam was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you are well!
> 
> Sorry it's been a bit of a while. I've had some things going on recently (along with university work) that lead to a few weeks of writer's block for this fic. I'm hoping that's over now though. 
> 
> Back with Alex for this chapter, I hope you enjoy it!

Alex bit back a curse as she opened her eyes to the grey neutrality of her 2008 bedroom. She’d almost become accustomed to the cold, clinical nature of “2008” but that hadn’t taken away the feeling that she wasn’t quite attached to the world she was in. 

At first, she’d wondered if it was because she’d sent “Molly” away, it was the closest she’d been to having her daughter back in what felt like years, but as more time went on she realised it was how alone she felt, detached from her life in 1982. Although she had always known it wasn’t really her life, it didn’t take away from the fact that she had grown to love it. She felt like she’d made more of a difference in those months than she had in years of work in the present, but not only that. 

Before she had been shot her life had revolved completely and utterly around her daughter. Outside of being a police officer and being a mother she had nothing. In 1982 although her only friends were her colleagues they were still _friends_. With a sigh, she thought about how empty her life in 2008 was by comparison. There was no sitting around drinking and laughing at the end of the day, just a dark, dampening emptiness. 

She couldn’t help but curse her...past?....self, herself from 1981 who would have given anything to be back. She’d got what she wanted and yet she was still not happy. When she had known Sam Tyler, his desire to go back to 1973 had always confused her, but now she understood perfectly. She had left without saying so much, not even goodbye. 

Biting her lip to try and rein in her emotions she allowed herself to think about what she’d say to CID if she could have even one more conversation with each of them. She knew that she had written them letters but somehow, after everything that had happened in the twenty-four hours before she’d been shot it didn’t feel like enough. She’d never tell Chris that although he’d made a mistake, he wasn’t a bad person. Tell Shaz that no matter what happened, no matter who tried to tear her down she could handle anything, tell Ray that he, for all his fault, was a good officer. Sometimes she heard them, calling to her. Asking, no _begging_ her to help them. Much like she’d heard Molly on the radio when she had first arrived in the 1980s she heard them through CDs, or caught glimpses of them out of the corner of her eye as she paced the streets. 

And Gene…

She didn’t even know where she’d start. Probably that he was forgiven for what had happened the day before King Doug, and what had happened the day of.

Looking back, she hadn’t really expected him to believe her, she realised with a flash of shame that a part of her had wanted to sabotage their relationship, not because she didn’t care, but almost because she cared so much. She was aware of how close they had become and coupled with the ever-fading memories of her daughter she couldn’t honestly say that a part of her had wanted a reason to be angry with him. So she could leave without feeling guilt. In the endless hours she’d had in 2008 she’d contemplated whether the way she’d left was better or worse than if they’d become any closer and then not had the chance to develop it and decided that it was probably better. She knew that anything more they could have been would have been messy and awkward and would probably have ended up bitter and twisted anyway. She wanted to say she was relieved, but their relationship had ended up bitter and twisted regardless. 

Sighing she sat up in bed and dragged her hands through her hair. It didn’t do any good to think about the world she’d left behind. She found thinking about it painful, but she was scared that if she didn’t force herself to think about it, she’d forget and no matter what happened she had promised herself she wouldn’t forget. 

Shaking herself she swung herself out of bed and dragged herself to the wardrobe. She had another therapy session and she didn’t want to go. Thinking about how she had been as Sam Tyler’s psychologist made her cringe. One part of her realised she couldn’t have done anything differently but another part of her cursed how dismissive she had been. Not to Sam’s face, but privately. She’d sized him up as being insane without really thinking about it, without imagining what it must have felt like to leave 

~~~~~  
As she walked out of the session she found herself blinking back tears and not for the first time. But it was the first time she’d ever felt truly alone in 2008. Even her psychologist had noticed and called her out on her isolation. None of it seemed fair anymore. She realised she didn’t want to be alone anymore. She wanted her family back, at least one of them. She knew she couldn’t have both of them but she would have given anything to have one more day with her daughter or one last night in Luigi’s. 

Stepping out into the cool air she paced the streets of London. Everything around her seemed to blur as she walked through shops, the only thing that was clear was her colleagues’ faces, which seemed to be everywhere she looked. On every film poster, on the billboards. She couldn’t escape. 

Sam, had been right. She had heard them calling her for help. Asking her what they should do. It wasn’t that they were in danger, but they sounded like they couldn’t keep the public safe without her. 

This time was different though, for the first time in what felt like months, Gene’s voice was among those calling her from 1982. What was possibly more surprising was he was also begging her to come back. One of the few things she was able to make out was a desperate “I need ya...”. 

Suddenly, she wasn’t walking through the streets of London. She was trapped in a cell, watching life support keep her breathing, keep her heart beating. Finally, she could see what had happened to her. The full, ugly truth of it. 

As she took in the room her attention was briefly caught by the small television, showing a news report about a body discovery. Before she could take in any of the details, the gap in the cell slammed shut, banishing all light from the room. Keeping her back against the wall she turned around and found herself biting back a scream. Although she had been alone in the cell when she had first entered, she found herself face to face with a copper. Looking at the uniform she guessed from the fifties or early sixties. The light was poor but she could also see that he was young, no older than twenty-one or twenty-two. As he turned to face her she couldn’t stop the scream that escaped her. The young man, whoever he was had clearly been shot. The left side of his face was covered in blood. An angry, painful wound that made Alex flinch. 

She was so caught up with the young copper she had almost tuned out the voices still calling her. Until one, unmistakably gruff but concerned beneath that called her name followed a split second later by a firm order and a stinging slap delivered to the left side of her face. 

Groaning at the sudden pain blooming on her left cheek Alex cautiously opened her eyes to be greeted with an unmistakably 1980s hospital room. In the room with her was someone she wasn’t sure she’d ever see again. 

Gene glanced down at her and scoffed “Well that worked then” he remarked, shaking out the hand he had just slapped her with. 

Alex didn’t even have the energy to roll her eyes as Gene carried on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please leave any thoughts in the comments!
> 
> Hopefully it won't be as long between chapters this time, we are also now (I think!) about halfway through this fic. The remaining chapters will be mostly based around the events of series three. 
> 
> (I'm also now on Tumblr - under the URL youstupidplonk, so if anyone else uses tumblr feel free to come and say hi :D! )


	14. A little bit lost without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> February 1983 - A return to London and Fenchurch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone I hope you are all staying safe and well. 
> 
> I just wanted to say thank you all for 500 hits! Thank you all for sticking with this fic, I really appreciate it. 
> 
> We're now in series three (episode one) and although the rest of the fic will mostly follow cannon, there will be some slight divergence. (But the dialogue from when Gene wakes Alex up to her leaving the hospital room is taken from 3x01 which I of course take no credit for)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> (Chapter title is from "This Ain't a Love Song" by Scouting for Girls)

Gene found himself hesitating as he arrived outside Luigi’s. Although the restaurant hadn’t changed, he felt a strange sense of unease as he walked towards the stairs. Something didn’t feel the same but he couldn’t place what it was. Before he had time to think too much about what it was a gasp to his left drew him back to the present. 

“Signor Hunt? What are you doing here?” Luigi nearly fell over the bags of rubbish he had been bringing out in his hurry to get over to Gene. “What happened to you and the lovely signorina? Your men said-” He stopped short when Gene held up a hand to silence him. 

“Keep your hair on Luigi” He muttered, rummaging in his pockets for his cigarettes. “I made a mistake and needed some space to think about how to make it better.” Idly he lit his cigarette and took a long drag. “And” he added, seeing the other man’s face “I do not wish to discuss it, understood?” He waited for Luigi to nod before he finished “I’m just here to pick up some clothes for DI _walks into bullets_ Bolly-kecks” 

Now that he didn’t have Doctor Smug Bastard to answer to he was able to make jokes about that kind of thing again without being told he was, what had he called it? _Deflecting from his trauma?_

“-I let you into the flat” Reluctantly Gene tuned himself back into Luigi’s rambling. He nodded and Luigi beamed before continuing “I’ll help you find Signorina Drake’s makeup, although she does not need it, I know she wears it” he paused to draw breath, taking Gene by the arm and marching him towards the stairs. “We will also find an outfit for her. Yes?” 

Gene allowed himself to be dragged to Alex’s flat by Luigi but hesitated again as they approached the door. He hadn’t been into her flat since before Operation Rose, and the last time he had been there he’d almost been too drunk to remember it. Taking a moment to steel himself he paused in the kitchen. It looked exactly as he remembered it, it was also cleaner than he’d expected it to be. 

“Aha-” Luigi’s voice drew him back to the present as he handed Gene a carrier bag with clothes and makeup. “I came up here, the night you left. When your men and la bella Shaz slept in my restaurant-”

“They bloody what?” Gene interrupted, trying to ignore the thorn of guilt driving its way into his side as he realised he’d never considered what had become of his team after they had left the hospital. 

Luigi shook his head “They wanted to tell me what had happened” he looked over at Gene with a weighted sadness in his eyes “and they slept in the restaurant.” He patted Gene’s arm. “It was not your fault my friend” he added, “They told me it had been an accident and I believed them” as he spoke he held Gene’s gaze. “They still come to my restaurant after work, but things are not the same. Not without you and the lovely Signorina Drake. They are not happy" 

Gene ducked his head, suddenly finding himself lost for words. Luigi was now the second person to say it wasn’t his fault, but it didn’t make any difference, not really. He’d almost killed the most important person in his life. It didn’t matter who said otherwise, he wasn’t sure he’d ever not feel guilty for what he’d done. 

~~~~~  
Standing at the side of Alex’s hospital bed Gene sighed. It was exactly the same as he’d left it three months ago. He couldn’t help noticing that Alex looked thinner, more fragile like she was slowly fading out of reality. He thought about everything that had happened and he knew that they needed her back. Ray had been forced to cope alone for too long, but Gene knew that he wouldn’t have been much help, his time in the Costa Brava had shown that he wasn’t good for much, other than drowning his sorrows and reminiscing about the past. 

The problem was how to bring her back. He’d had an idea the first time he’d visited her, but hadn't tried it because everything was still too raw. All his life he’d sworn he’d never raise a hand to a woman, not after what he’d seen his dad do to his mum. He hated himself as he raised his hand and hoped she knew that he would never have done this under any other circumstances, even when he was most angry with her. Screwing his eyes shut he swung his hand down, wincing as he felt it make contact with Alex’s cheek. He opened his eyes when he heard a groan from the bed. Alex frowned and shifted her head slightly, visibly confused not only by the slap but the room she had woken up in. 

Gene began to speak quickly, the speed betraying his casual tone. “Well that worked then” his voice sounded snappy, but he couldn’t hide the surprise that slapping her had actually worked. “‘cause I had a mate called Brian Batts.” He continued “Used to get on the Voddy-Ts and wind up sparko in his own sick” looking back at Alex he realised she’d opened her eyes. “A little tap to the boat race always brought him round with a smile. So smile you’re back”.

Alex still didn’t speak but muttered something incoherent, showing she was listening. He carried on, barely giving Alex time to think. Shaking himself slightly he walked to the other side of the room and picked up the pile of clothes he’d collected from Luigi’s on his way to the hospital. Throwing them down on the bed he sighed. “What’s the matter with you, you dozy mare? You walked straight into the path of my shooter.” He knew that he probably sounded angry with her, but truthfully he wasn’t. He was angry with himself. He didn’t know how else to deal with it so he continued to rant. If he did that, he didn’t have to think about all the things that had been left unspoken between them “I don’t fire magic bullets you know. They don’t go bending in the air”. Internally he cursed. Maybe the Doctor spouting psychobabble had been right, he was scared of being around Alex. He sighed and looked down at her for the first time. “They said I’d tried to kill you Bolls” he muttered, trying to swallow the lump forming in his throat. “But I knew you wouldn’t let me down, we’re a team. Bodie and Doyle” that much was true, or it had been. He didn’t know if he could make it right but he was going to try. Feeling the emotion rise up once again in his chest he carried on “I’m the one in the SAS you can be the one with the girl’s hair now get your knickers on we’re leaving.” Without another word he turned on his heel and marched out of her hospital room. 

It was a few minutes before the door opened again. Although unsteady, Gene was relieved to see Alex was actually on her feet. As she stepped forward, she hooked her arm through Gene’s, steadying herself. She began to speak but pretty quickly he tuned her out. It seemed that three months unconscious hadn’t done anything to make her any less of a fruitcake. 

At some point, she stopped to draw breath and Gene quickly interjected “If you’ve finished you’re going to clear my name with D&C, the rubber healers”

“D and C?” Alex began, her brow furrowing in confusion. “Discipline and-”

“Complaints” Gene finished with a snort. “They’re less than fans of me and I can’t say I’m that fussed by them.” He glanced at Alex out of the corner of his eye “They became even less friendly with yours truly after operation rose” he sighed “Turns out if there’s corruption in a station and then a decent, well-liked officer gets shot they get a little bit suspicious, even if that officer is a complete fruitcake” he felt his face pull into a half-smile as he spoke.

That made Alex stop short. “Decent?” she repeated as her arm unwound itself from Gene’s. 

Gene turned to face her “Yes Bolly, I believe that’s what I just said”

Alex shook her head “but-” she began, running a hand through her hair “but before King Doug you-”

“I know what I said Alex” Gene interrupted gently, seeing Alex about to argue he added “I was wrong. I know I was.” he sighed and stepped back towards her “I can’t explain everything now but believe me, I know you’re a good copper and I know I let you down.”

Alex’s expression softened slightly and she dropped her hand. “Alright,” she whispered eventually, holding her arm out to Gene again.

Gene took her arm gently “come on madam fruitcake, we need to retrieve the Quattro and I collected some of that paint you plaster on every day so you feel fit for duty again” 

With that, the two of them pushed through the double doors at the back of the hospital and stepped out into the cold February air.  
~~~~~  
Silence was something Alex thought she’d never hear in a full CID, but the moment she and Gene marched back through the double doors the usual chatter died instantly. Her colleagues’ faces momentarily freezing in shock as they took in the sight of her and their Guv. Although she’d been aware of their visits, she guessed that none of them had seen Gene since November, and had probably never expected to see him again. 

As Gene strolled around CID, trying to get up to speed with the investigation Alex shifted from one foot to the other, suddenly feeling like an outsider. Moving to lean against her desk she looked down at the floor. She could sense the tension in the room, beneath the shock she was aware of the cold blame running through her colleagues. . She knew, thinking rationally it wasn’t her fault she hadn’t been there, but it didn’t stop the guilt running through her.

The tap of shoes on the floor drew her out of her thoughts and she looked up in time to see Shaz beaming at her. As she stood up Shaz wrapped her arms around her and hugged her tightly. 

_Maybe things were going to be ok afterall_ she thought as she returned Shaz’s hug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Please leave any thoughts in the comments xxx

**Author's Note:**

> So....cliffhanger. I don't know when the next chapter will be posted so watch this space!
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed that, as always please leave your thoughts in the comments :)


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